As a parent, Halloween no longer means that everything begins to wind down or gets pushed off until the new year. Instead of finally relaxing after a hectic summer and back-to-school-ing, we transition into holiday prep and the pressure of making memories.
Sure, parents still enjoy spooky season. There are pictures in the pumpkin patch while your kids complain that their family-coordinated outfits are too itchy, movie nights where we share spooky classics from our childhood, and our children ask, “Was this made in the 1900s like you?” Then there’s the Halloween caroling, which is just us shouting from the sidewalk at our offspring not to cut through the grass and to make sure to say “thank you” at every single house.
We all get it — and all it takes is a few scrolls through social media to know that fellow parents feel your pain. So, take a break from putting the finishing touches on your child’s Halloween costume to enjoy a few side-splitting Halloween jokes that feel all too familiar.
Carving pumpkins sounds like fun until you remember that kids don’t mix well with sharp objects and have the attention span of goldfish.
Facebook status: “Had an incredible night of bonding with my mini and practicing being fully present in the moment and making memories he’ll never forget.”
Make some fun DIY ghosts by cutting eye holes in some sheets and draping them over the unfolded laundry piles.
Halloween is the one time of year when moms who specialize in procrastinating really shine.
If you couldn’t see yourself in a true crime documentary about your child where you say, “You know, looking back…there were signs,” how’s it feel to be a liar?
The PTA is out of control.
“It takes a village!” I yell as I push my child toward a stranger’s house to ask for candy.
They’ve got a point, and, suddenly, we don’t feel as bad for dipping into our kid’s Halloween stashes.
You say “questionable side hustle.” We say “community building.” Love to see it.
We can see it now—Hershey’s variety packs of chocolate-covered painkillers.
Oh, sure, pennies, toothbrushes, and Werther’s Originals that have lived in Oma’s cardigan pocket since the 1940s are okay, but we draw the line at fish?
“It’s science!” I try to say with a mouth full of Whoppers.
You thought the viral Switch Witch was controversial? Meet the Snitch Witch. That’s what you get for tattling to the HOA about my stripper skeleton display.
It’s our job to prepare our children for the real world.
Which Children of the Corn movie is this script from?
The real nightmare on Elm Street.
We’re pretty sure parents and teachers would all sign a petition to make the day after Halloween a national holiday for a sugar detox.
Every parent’s worst nightmare. Her friend could go as their parent’s Facebook post with an online link begging people they haven’t seen since high school to buy butter braids so they can win a crappy art set *shudder*.
Clipping your newborn’s fingernails, your child taking a late nap in the car, the electricity bill.
If you thought Candy Man was bad, meet Candy Mom.
It’s giving “newest member of the Addams family.”
What about the 100 Cent bars and Sewer Patch Kids?
All jokes aside, there’s something special about getting dressed up to knock on people’s doors and being met with smiles, treats, compliments, and kindness, all in the name of spooky fun. In a world where we often feel judged and disconnected, this creepy holiday brings us together. Happy Halloween!