Perfectly Seasoned Thanksgiving Tweets From Funny Parents
A side of laughs with your holiday feast.
Thanksgiving day is the pinnacle of modern parenting. It’s made up of the trifecta of cooking, cleaning, and hosting that we’ve been trying to perfect since, well, forever. The holiday is basically our Olympics.
Though the origin story they taught us in elementary school was as whitewashed and sugar-coated as the apple pie we plan on baking (at best), there’s still something special about having a day dedicated to gratitude, love, family, and committing the sin of turkey-based gluttony together until we all can fill out our maternity pants again.
To help you get into the holiday spirit, we thought we’d share some oh-so-real Thanksgiving tweets from funny internet parents that are *chef’s kiss*.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 25, 2020
Make as many dishes as you want, but know that there’s only one thing your child is going to consume, and that is their weight in buttered dinner rolls—if you’re lucky. You can fancy it up and call it a “glazed wheat bake” if it makes you feel better.
You know what goes well with planning Thanksgiving dinner for 36 people?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 16, 2018
Oh, that? That’s my cooking vodka. That I drink while rage-cooking a 13-course dinner for eight while my kid shoots me in the butt with a Nerf gun.
Me, before kids: This is dumb, we should get the whole week off.
Me, with kids in school: Do they really need the day after Thanksgiving off, too?
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) November 21, 2017
Listen, I’ve got Target to shop and a ton of corny Hallmark Christmas movies to watch, and these kids I chose to birth and nurture are really throwing a wrench in my plans.
The best part of Thanksgiving is when we arrive home after eating for 5 hours straight and my kid asks what’s for dinner.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 25, 2021
Me to my kids: Listen, our sole purpose for coming here is to eat.
My kids: Sure, I’ll gnaw on a roll for two minutes before disappearing to play for the rest of the time. Oh, and can I get a Happy Meal on the way home?
*Googles Thanksgiving recipes*
*Googles easy Thanksgiving recipes*
*Googles really easy Thanksgiving recipes*
*Googles is McDonald’s open on Thanksgiving*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 14, 2021
We love a good Thanksgiving Mom McHack.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 21, 2021
Let’s get married and have kids so we can clean before guests arrive and get the house unclean so that we can clean it again after they leave.
Kids: *open fridge*
Me, being the cheerful mom I always thought I’d be during the holidays: DONT YOU DARE PUT YOUR HANDS ON ANYTHING IN THERE! THATS FOR THANKSGIVING!!
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) November 27, 2019
My favorite Thanksgiving pastime is stocking up on food for Thanksgiving dinner and forgetting that I also need to feed my family the other six days of the week.
My kids keep asking me to make them food like we didn’t JUST have thanksgiving
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) November 27, 2021
There should be a nationally recognized period of at least three days following Thanksgiving called “everyone fend for yourselves!” where your family survives solely on questionable culinary creations made with leftovers.
We have this tradition where every Thanksgiving my wife & I cook a big meal, then our kids criticize it
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 24, 2021
That’s rich coming from a person who frequently eats their own boogers.
Am I pregnant?
Will I be wearing maternity pants to thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?
— 🤷🏼♀️Mommeh Dearest🤦🏼♀️ (@mommeh_dearest) November 24, 2021
Wait, you only break those out for Thanksgiving and not every day of the week even though your youngest is 260 weeks old? Notsame.
My sister asked if I had taken any pics of our Thanksgiving spread and I told her I forgot to and now I feel like I’m on an anti-thanksgiving watchlist.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 27, 2020
As it states in the Mom Law Handbook on page 49, section 7A, “Thou shalt take mediocre pictures of the food you cooked that literally everyone else is also eating and post to social media with one of the following captions: ‘so blessed’ ‘gobble gobble’ ‘Happy Turkey Day!’ ‘Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!’ ‘feeling thankful,’ or ‘let’s get stuffed’ or thy Mom Card shall be revoked.”
Thanksgiving Pro Tip:
Never eat any food offered to you by an adorable toddler relative. It might look like a cookie, or piece of candy, but it’s actually the flu.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 22, 2017
Thanks for the candied hand, foot, and mouth disease, Aiden.
Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 20, 2021
We’re not sure what comes over us as mothers before company arrives that has us believing they’ll give a gobble about whether we have dust on our baseboards or not, but this fear has us trying to conceal the fact that *gasp* people actually live in our home.
ah, thanksgiving. the meal so nice, we eat it 426 times.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) November 9, 2020
Dry turkey sandwiches every day for an entire week? Sounds scrumptious!
Instead of asking why I'm not making a Thanksgiving turkey for my family, ask yourself why you aren't ordering a Thanksgiving pizza.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 21, 2016
Give yourself the gift of not having to cook all day in an itchy sweater dress just to end up with a sink full of dishes and kids begging for dinosaur nuggets. I am thankful for contactless delivery.
I love buying Thanksgiving dinner supplies a week ahead of time so my family can eat it immediately and then I have to buy it all again the day before the actual holiday
— Meg the Magnificent (@meghaffer) November 20, 2019
A T-shirt the cashier can read while dead-eyeing you as you do the last-minute checkout walk of shame that says, “I bought groceries for Thanksgiving last week but my family ate them.”
It’s been a hard year, kids, so Thanksgiving is gonna consist of 5 chicken nuggies and a cup of Ocean Spray each
— ADHDean (@ADHDeanASL) November 17, 2020
OK, but this is what they actually want anyway, so it sounds like a win-win to me.
Thankful for these laughs? Why not share them with your friends and family? And before we get our parent cards revoked, Happy Turkey Day from our family here at Pregnancy & Newborn to yours!