If you’re an overwhelmed parent running around trying to do all the festive activities with your family all holiday season (probably with a tissue shoved up your nose because you’ve got another cold), these hilarious, all-to-real tweets are the true gifts.
First things first, can all of us parents have a quick moment to take a collective breath? Because if your December has been anything like ours, you are absolutely exhausted. This month has felt like a marathon of mall Santa pics, elaborate Elf on the Shelf displays, drives in search of holiday lights, colds, RSV, the flu, COVID, cookie baking, themed school days, shopping, snowman making, and regret in the form of a gingerbread house. Parents have been stressed out trying to make magic happen for their kids. Good thing a great remedy for holiday stress and overwhelm is laughter, which we just so happen to have packaged up and ready for you.
We love and appreciate the teachers and elementary schools of the world, but can we start a fun new tradition of not adding anything extra to our plates during the three weeks between Thanksgiving and winter break when we’re all just going through the motions?
Guess what else your child is going to be besides a Sagittarius or a Capricorn? Missing out on birthday magic because their birthday and Christmas presents are lumped into one every year because their parents were doing as the rabbits do around Easter, that’s what.
She was ready to grab her passport and start a new life somewhere exotic. He called to say he was coming home early, getting pizza on the way, and that he’d do the bedtime routine. Then she said, “Well when you’re done, I have another bedtime routine for you …”
We’d also like to add that all of Santa’s reindeer are female. Stick that in your sack, take credit for everything a team of women has done, and stuff your face with cookies. The jig is up, old man.
Have yourself a very merry overthinking session at 2 a.m. while trying to budget for each child equally, play back an entire year’s worth of conversations for hints for present ideas for your entire family, see a post where someone left a bowl of candy and snacks out for delivery drivers and wonder if that’s the new norm, question if your kids appreciate everything they’re given or if you’re actually raising them to be ingrates.
After being woken up by someone coughing inside of my mouth at 6 a.m. all, “Mommy, I don’t feel very good,” Home Alone sounds like the title to some kind of smut novel where no one touches us, asks for anything, and we get to watch something other than Blippi.
Elf on the Shelf was 100% created by a parent who needed another way to bribe their kids besides threatening to cancel Christmas. And now we’re all paying for it.
It’s completely acceptable if you’re honking your horn to the tune of Jingle Bells at a mom who cut you off just to get out and take 10 minutes holding up the line to do morning affirmations with her kids, give them each 15 kisses on each cheek, and film a TikTok before getting the hell out of the way.
Christmas magic sure looks a lot like this one tired Grinch who’s chugging coffee at 11 p.m., wiping underboob sweat with wrapping paper, and muttering “How did I get here?” while sprinkling powdered sugar around a pair of shoes next to the fireplace because this is modern parenting.
Spoiler alert: The rest of the doors just have different painkillers, antacids, and analgesic creams for sore muscles because you sprained your coccyx from sitting on the floor to wrap presents.
Santa isn’t the only one who’s been keeping an eye on you, so has the PTA. And these themed days are punishment for not volunteering enough. For shame!
“You see, kids, sometimes Santa’s workshop gets a little backed up and they need help from another factory owned by a creature called a Jeff Bezos.”
There is nothing more maddening than trying to make memories with our kids just to watch them watching someone else making memories on YouTube.
Don’t even act like you’ve never done it.
Those are big words coming from someone who JUST LEARNED HOW TO SPELL. I still have the receipt for Christmas and I will return it. I will RETURN Christmas! Try me.
All we want for Christmas is for this to be the plot for a new Hallmark movie. 10/10 would watch.
Try the fun new Christmas tradition of skipping the family gingerbread house contest and saving yourself from a festive migraine and an emergency trip to the dentist after breaking your teeth on the stale cookie roof.
We’re leaving you with this very true tweet. Because even though we’re all bone-tired and holidayed out, we put ourselves through all of this madness—and will continue to do it in the years ahead—for the joy of seeing the smiles on our kids’ faces as they soak up that indescribable thing in the air on Christmas morning. It’s tough work, but it’s always worth it.
We know you’re tired from all of the magic-making you’ve been doing this holiday season, parents. We hope you’re able to find some time to put your feet up for a second and mentally pat yourself on the back for all of the wonderful things you’ve done behind the scenes to make everyone around you feel special and festive. Also, we hope your family got you something besides a robe, like new pans because that’s what gets us jazzed as grown-ups. Merry Everything, all!