Week 38: She makes me brave
In a past blog post, I wrote about the anticipation […]
In a past blog post, I wrote about the anticipation Darrin and I have about what baby girl will be like when she arrives—the parts of us she would acquire, and those we hoped we could spare her. I wrote that for me, I hope she cares for people like I do and feels compassion towards others. I hope that she will be able to move through life with the confidence and assertiveness that I was many times lacking. As I typed out these words, they carried great weight because I really, truly meant them.
I know that my lack of confidence has hindered my opportunities, my view of self, and my personal growth. I know I can’t be the only woman (or man) out there that knows this about themselves and can admit to it. I want to share with you what has happened throughout this pregnancy, a phenomenon I did not expect, so that any mamas out there like myself who may have been lacking in self-assurance can not only recognize this wonder, but also take advantage of it.
Over the past 38 weeks, I have changed. This change isn’t just my growing belly, swollen ankles or hair texture: I have evolved inside-out. She has made me brave. With her inside of my belly, nothing scares me. And frankly, I have never been more confident. But I keep seeing it in myself, in small ways. Having baby with me, I have started blogging. I have asked for a new job title and asked for the money I feel I deserve. I have asked for help without guilt for maybe the first time in my life. I am straightforward and say what I mean, always. I shake hands more firmly, make deeper eye contact and choose to not shrug off my feelings. I try instead to give them validity.
When I realized the change, I jokingly thought to myself, must be the extra heart and brain I’m toting around, but in all seriousness, it’s just her. It is in the knowing that she’s on the way and that each decision I make is outside of myself. It’s now for both of us, for our little family. It is also the knowing that I am making a human, and because I am, I can do anything. What else can you not do after you’ve done that? The world just looks different now. Trivial things don’t seem that important. When I speak up or do something I would have shied away from before, I think, why can’t I do that? My baby makes me so brave. She’s not even here yet, and she’s already changing my life.
I woke up this morning, the sun shining through the blinds. I had the thought, do I have everything I ever wanted? Because that is how I’ve been feeling lately, looking past material things. The answer is no. No, I don’t have it all, and no I won’t ever have it—nor do I want it all. But bravery is something I’ve always wanted just a sliver of, and I do have that. Now that I have found it, my job is to instill it in her and show her that mommy is brave, so she can be, too. And nothing is too big or too out of reach that she can’t obtain it.