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Week 31: The anatomy of my third trimester

1. Messy hair. Also known as the rat’s nest on my head that smells like Nexus. It’s a sign that I stopped caring about how my hair looks three weeks ago. It also means I don’t care what you think about the way it looks. But mostly, it’s a time saver to toss it up...

1. Messy hair.
Also known as the rat’s nest on my head that smells like Nexus. It’s a sign that I stopped caring about how my hair looks three weeks ago. It also means I don’t care what you think about the way it looks. But mostly, it’s a time saver to toss it up on my head and focus on more important things, like how I’m going to pick the milk jug cap up off the floor. My hair really does smell fantastic, and contrary to how it looks, it’s surprisingly rat free. At least I think it is.

week312. Mushy brain 
When I scramble around trying to figure out how and when to get to the DMV because I noticed my drivers license expired on September 21, 2015. Then, on the verge of tears, I realized it’s 2014. Also, I think I left the cat in the pantry.

3. Knotty back
There are more knots in my shoulders and upper back than my hair. They’re probably from trying to pick the milk jug cap up off the floor in several creative positions that don’t require me to hold my breath and bend down. They could also be from poor posture, lifting my kids or possibly the giant bra I had to purchase to hold up my personal gallon milk jugs. OK, maybe quarts. ALRIGHT, pints. They’re pint jugs.

4. Low back pain 
Probably not as painful as getting kicked in the lower back by a horse, but then my fetus doesn’t weigh 1100 pounds. Or have hooves. At least I hope not. The pain is just on one side of my lower back, so if I did get kicked by a horse, it would have been a one-legged horse.

5. Hidden love handles
Thanks to my skin stretching out far enough to upholster an entire El Camino, you can’t really see them right now. In a few months these will suddenly inflate, showing off the remnants of cake and ice cream I devoured without shame.

6. Pelvic pressure and round ligament pain
The dynamic duo strikes again—this time with double the force because this baby is sitting so low. Really, I’m surprised I haven’t seen a hand or a thumb yet. As for the ligament pain, it tends to happen only when I sit on the floor. And sitting on the floor tends to only happen when I absolutely must wear socks.

7. Fetal fitness
Now that this baby is gaining poundage, there’s a lot less kicking and a lot more shifting. Sometimes this means the occasional discomfort of sitting on an organ or kicking my cervix. But mostly, it’s a baby butt sticking out of one side of my stomach which looks really weird. It’s a good thing I look pregnant, otherwise I’m betting a lot of people at Subway would wonder what I’m ordering, so they don’t.

8. Stretching stomach muscles
My doctor told me what the name of my painful, upper abdominal muscle stretching was. I forgot. What I do remember, is this particular stretching becomes more prominent with each pregnancy. Therefore, by the time I was on my fifth baby, this muscle could basically sling the baby out of me.

9. Breast pain
OK, so maybe my boobs aren’t on fire, but they are tender and hurt. Please don’t touch them.

10. Double chin
It’s the fourth meal of chins that’s also a subtle sign telling me no matter how nonexistent those “love handles” are right now, they’ll be there soon enough. If there’s enough chub leftover to migrate all the way up to my chin, I could be in trouble. I also might need more cookies.

11. Congestion
After delivery, I’ll be able to breathe without incident. Until then, my husband will have to continue to move to the couch at 2 a.m. It’s the only way he can get away from the sound of my snoring, which is pretty much as loud as trees being sawed down in his face.

12. Acne 
Might as well be back in middle school again.