Week 30: Clocking out

Bringing a baby into the world can come with a fair share of things to figure out. Although you can continue to plan on living life as similarly as possible, I think most women would agree they at least entertain the idea of making certain changes once the baby arrives. For me, the biggest change would be staying home with Bellamy and not returning to work.
I am very fortunate to work for a very kind and understanding boss. From the beginning of my employment, he has encouraged me to be honest with him about my feelings pertaining to the position. The plan was not to get pregnant a few months into my new job, but that’s how it goes. Luckily for me, he is a family man. His youngest daughter just had her first baby a few weeks ago, so the gravity of “first child” is fresh in his mind, I’m sure. Because he has been so good to Matt and me (and provided me with ah-mazing health insurance during my pregnancy), I couldn’t be more thankful for him or loyal to wanting him to experience greater success. It should be noted he is already quite successful, but his generosity has played a significant role in how hard his employees work to further prosper his business.
Anyway, I am struggling with some major guilt in thinking about leaving. When we started weighing out the pros and cons of each scenario, it just makes more sense to stay home. There are fewer factors to figure out if I am here with her, and our priorities will actually be easier to maintain if I open up my schedule completely. For example, staying home eliminates the need for childcare and another vehicle. For many women, childcare is just something you put into action after maternity leave, but for us, we don’t want to utilize this option during the first year of her life.
Also, I have decided I am going to try and pump as much as possible to save up a steady supply of milk. You should know I was ALL FORMULA ALL THE WAY until about a week ago. I have always wanted to bottle feed, but really appreciate the option of pumping to combine both options, if I am able to produce enough. I support all forms of feeding your baby and support the moms feeding those babies as well! What I have heard from my pumping sources is pumping is basically a job. Storing up a decent supply takes a lot of time, and who wouldn’t want to do that in the privacy of their home? Especially those of us using the double electric pumps—those things do not mess around! There’s a lot to discuss when it comes to the quality of maternity leave/care and the workplace, but that’s another conversation.
I know it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable for a first-time mom to want to stay home with her baby, but getting past the mental barrier is tough. It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling like a let down and a quitter. Matt has encouraged me to start over again after she is born and evaluate at that time what would work best for our family. The pressure to say, “I will be back,” and stay committed to that choice is heavy, but at the same time not grounded in anything solid. For me, pregnancy has changed me in many ways. Who I am today is not who I thought I would be or want to be a short almost eight months ago. Certain instincts just take over, and personal priorities start naturally falling into place with ease.
This seems to be the right choice for us, and with that anticipation comes a lot of excitement! In the meantime, we have a little makeshift desk in our apartment to give me a “workspace.” It helps makes the adjustment easier, and I am hoping to find work to do from home. If we continue with this plan, come late June/early July I will have an entirely different schedule filled with lots of baby things I know nothing about at this point.
I’m so very thankful to have this opportunity, and I hope to use the time very wisely. Surely there will be moments of “I miss my work schedule,” in my future, but I believe this is ultimately for us! It has felt like a hard decision for months, but in reality, I don’t think it is a very hard choice after-all. I think the closer it gets to her arrival, the more in tune with myself I am. My hope is that all moms are able to find the balance that works for them, never doubting where they are spending their time—work or home!