Week 29: The one where pants are the worst

By Published On: December 1st, 2015

Today my pants are too tight … and it’s really […]

Today my pants are too tight … and it’s really cramping my style. Am I wearing maternity pants? No. Could this be why they’re uncomfortably snug? Possibly, but who can say for sure? I don’t own any work-appropriate pants that I like, and it’s too cold to wear a dress or skirt—so I’m really left with no option but to wear these non-maternity pants that, I’m pretty sure, are cutting off oxygen flow to the baby. All in the name of fashion, people!

FullSizeRenderI should revise the statement that I don’t own any work-appropriate pants that I like. That is a lie: I actually own several pairs of work-appropriate pants that I like … but I don’t like the shoes that I have to wear with them. These particular pants only look good with heels, so the pants don’t get worn because wearing high heels while pregnant (and when there’s snow on the ground) is for suckers. So, you know, I don’t entirely go by “the name of fashion.”

Maybe you remember a few weeks back when I raved about Stitch Fix and how they were the end to all my maternity clothing woes. I still love Stitch Fix, let there be no doubt about that, but they aren’t really fulfilling my need for pants at the moment. I did get a really fun necklace from them last month—it’s too bad I can’t wear a necklace on my legs. But it’s not Stitch Fix’s fault that pants are the devil.

In general, I am a staunch opponent of wearing pants. I don’t want to wear pants when I’m not pregnant, and I most certainly don’t want to wear pants when I am pregnant. I just feel like I would be a much more productive member of society if I didn’t have to wear pants. For example, I can get nothing else done today because all of my brain power is being used to focus on how uncomfortable these pants are. They’re the worst! Pants are the worst.

If society is going to force me to wear pants, then I think society should be tasked with providing me with said pants. I just want to own pants that fit! Is that really asking so much? For the universe to just provide me with pants?

Don’t get me wrong … I also don’t want to wear dresses or skirts. Dresses and skirts leave my legs bare and then my legs are cold. Being cold is even worse than being uncomfortable, hence the ill-fitting pants I’m wearing at present. I know what you’re going to say: Why don’t you wear a dress or skirt with tights? To which I will reply: ARE YOU INSANE? Tights are a nightmare when I’m not pregnant … pulling them on, trying not to get a hole in them and attempting to yank them up high enough so that the crotch doesn’t hang down around my knees … with this 29-week belly, I can barely reach my feet! Add to that the fact that I’m going to the bathroom 16,000 times a day, and tights are a non-starter.

Basically, what I want is for pants that fit, are long enough, go with my shoe of choice and are so comfortable that I don’t even realize I’m wearing them … and I want them to appear magically in my life with no effort put forth on my part whatsoever. In the absence of that, I want to stay at home and wear nothing on my lower half forever and ever.