Week 28: The third trimester of doom

By Published On: September 12th, 2014

This week marks the start of the third trimester [insert […]

Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 12.49.23 PMThis week marks the start of the third trimester [insert confetti, horns, kazoos, whatever]. The beginning of the end. The last leg of the race. Well, a race where you want to hit the wall, but you can’t because you’re bigger than said wall. Also, requiring to hit the wall would require you to be belly first, and we know it’s all about the left side.
It’s tough to get comfortable in the third trimester; it’s emotionally and physically challenging. So, whether you’re with me, past me or way behind me, here’re a few third-trimester expectations you can relate to, reminisce about or look forward to:
Natural Breast Augmentation:
 By the time your due date rolls around, you’ll have about two extra pounds of boobage. Maybe this is super exciting for you, as you’ve never been past a “Nearly B-Cup.” Perhaps it’s distressing to you because you were a B-cup when you were six-years-old, and by the time you got to high school, they were large enough to terrorize a city in Japan.
Cramping and the Braxton Hicks Experience:
 Warm-up contractions. Remember in high school gym class, when you had to play basketball but didn’t really want to? You had to do chin-ups, even though it had nothing to do with the career you would pursue in computers or the fact that you are anti-physical anything? Yeah, it’s kind of like that.
: Baby’s gaining weight, hormones are relaxing your bones and ligaments in your pelvis, this is all a recipe for disaster. Just kidding. Actually, I’m not kidding.
Shortness of Breath:
 Your nickname is now “wheezy,” and you can’t pick up a sock from the floor without a 12-step recovery program. Your uterus is engulfing your torso and hindering your diaphragm’s ability to do its job. Your uterus is like that one person in college that you had to work on a team project with that wouldn’t delegate anything, so they got all the credit.
Esophageal Fire would make an awesome band name.
Has your growing uterus put pressure on the veins that return blood from your feet and legs? Are your swollen feet and ankles becoming an issue? Is swelling in your legs, arms or hands putting pressure on your nerves, causing tingling or numbness? If so, you might be pregnant.
Spider Veins, Varicose Veins and Hemorrhoids (Oh My!
): You’d think that increased blood circulation would be a good thing.
Pelvic Pressure:
 It’s not bad enough you have to pee again as soon as you flush the toilet, now you have a baby running out of room and using your cervix as an armrest. Or a footrest. Possibly a headrest.
Inability to Eat the Last Bite of Food: 
Congratulations, you made it to week 28. Your stomach is now the size of a Tamagotchi.
FYI . The final trimester is also when you get to have your Group B strep test. Just so you know, this test? A ginormous cotton swab on a stick in your yin and up your yang. So you know. Knowledge is power.