Week 23: Little decisions
Darrin and I are on our way to one of […]
Darrin and I are on our way to one of my favorite cities: Austin! We have been driving since yesterday from Atlanta, passing through Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana, before stopping for the night in a little town called Marshall, Texas. I have family in Austin that we need to see before our girl is here, and I know trips will be harder to make and fewer and farther between after she arrives.
I’ve had a lot of downtime so far on this 14-hour car ride, and a lot of time to think about our little girl and the little decisions we’ll make along the way. I call them ‘little decisions’ because it feels that way when deciding for a pint-sized person, but I know in actuality, they are not so small. On the trip, I have been thinking past nursery colors, names and the registry. I’ve been thinking about what kind of life we’ll give her. What if I make a mistake? What if we could’ve done it better? Each town we pass through, from the big to tiny, I wonder, Would somewhere like this be a good place for us? I want to give her the culture and diversity of a bigger city, but I want her to have a hometown where she can feel safe—and if she ever needed something, she would know her neighbors. Tough.
I’m not only thinking towns. I’ve also been thinking about daycares, or where she’ll spend eight hours a day when I work. I think about how I won’t be able to be there with her and know how she is being cared for. I just hope I make the right choice, and that the people that spend time with her each day would treat her as I would.
Decisions about money also come into play. Money, my friends, is one of my least favorite things. For instance, I would love to put baby in a Montessori daycare program, but these schools are generally more expensive, and would eat away at a lot of my pay for the week. Is it worth it for me to work double time to put her in a better program that ultimately results in her spending less time with me? Decisions, decisions: Do you see what I mean?
On Friday, we leave Austin on our way to New Orleans! I’m super excited to journey on and to tell her about her first trip with mom and dad. I’m feeling more movement just in the last few days, and I’m truly feeling her presence. I put Darrin’s hand on my belly last night because I feel her more at night while lying down. As soon as he laid his hand flat across my stomach, we felt a jolt stronger than I’ve ever felt! We looked at each other in unison. She was saying, “Hi.”
Feeling her like that, I think of the biggest decision that trumps all others: the decision to bring her into the world. I don’t think a lot of us feel truly ‘ready’ when this time comes. I could’ve sat around and mulled over a million reasons to wait. But man, it feels perfect when I feel her wiggle around in my belly with the promise of what’s yet to come. I already love her so much.