Week 20: The one where you should shut your pie hole

Despite having done this three times before, I am still amazed by the things people feel are appropriate to say to a pregnant person. I know that most people aren’t trying to be hurtful when they point out that my size approximates the broad side of a barn, but I just don’t understand it.

I mean, as a society, we’ve decided that commenting on the negative physical appearances of people isn’t something we should do. Parents are routinely horrified when their children loudly point out that someone is fat or old. No one points out to a man with an enormous beer belly that it appears as though he’s hiding a basketball underneath his shirt. So why do full-grown, adult people feel as though it’s necessary to comment on the physical appearance of pregnant women?

For your reference, here’s a list of things you should NEVER, under any circumstances, say to a pregnant woman—unless you’re hoping to be punched in the throat (which is what you’d deserve). To go along with it, I’ve provided some suggestions for what would be an appropriate response, just in case someone pulls any of these on you:

– “You’re looking puffy.” Well I’m pregnant. What’s your excuse?

– “You look pregnant today.” (I received this comment every day for a week straight from the same person before I pointed out to her that I am pregnant, so I’m probably going to LOOK pregnant from this point forward.)

– “I’m assuming this was an unplanned pregnancy.” And I’m assuming you’re an unsocialized moron.

– “Wow! You’re going to be huge by the end.” You’re huge right now, and you’re not even pregnant.

– “You’re definitely going to have that baby before February.” Thanks for your useless opinion.

– “Are you sure you’re not having triplets?” Are you sure you’re allowed out in public?

– “You must be having a litter! I mean, there must be at least, what, six in there?” (There is no response to this. I had to just walk away.)

– “You’re going to give birth to a toddler!” Yeah? Well, you’re ugly.

– “Are you sure they didn’t get your due date wrong?” Oh, you know what? You’re right. I am actually due yesterday.

– “I don’t see how you can get any bigger.” I don’t see how you can get any dumber.

– “You’re looking chubby.” You have bad hair.

– “It’s going to be a 10-pounder!” You have terrible taste in clothing.

– “You look tired. I can see you’re trying to hide it with makeup, but it’s not working.”  Your dog is ugly.

Now, I do realize that two wrongs don’t make a right, which is why I don’t actually utter these responses to people. But believe me, I really, really want to. Instead I usually just smile and then angrily tell my husband about it when I get home.

So what should you say to a pregnant woman regarding her appearance? You have two choices:

1.  You look wonderful.

Or, as an alternative you should say:

2.  NOTHING

Just keep your yap shut.

Heed this advice, my friends. Or suffer the consequences.

In other news, I felt Baby No. 4 move for the first time this week. And that means I don’t even care that I’m “already really big” because who doesn’t love feeling tiny baby kicks?!