Week 20: Halfway

This week marks my halfway point: 20 weeks down, 20 weeks until a zipper on my pants has meaning again.

It should be noted that in pregnancy, half-time isn’t getting a break. You don’t get to take off your belly and enjoy a cold turkey sandwich while laying on your stomach. Half-time is the halfway mark that indicates in 20 more weeks you can have a cold turkey sandwich and lay on your stomach. Hitting the halfway mark in pregnancy is a little less glamorous than an actual half-time show. There are no wardrobe malfunctions—because everything covers me like a tent—and Adam Levine isn’t crooning from my living room, which is too bad because he’s another person that could go on a food run at 11:00 p.m.

However, to me, hitting the pregnancy halfway point is pretty exciting, especially since I was convinced my first trimester would last forever. During week 8 I resigned to the fact that I’d likely deliver this baby when it started preschool, or learned how to say: “Cheetos,” whichever came first. Unfortunately 20 weeks is still a ways away and before the last day arrives, the second trimester is working hard to put weight on this baby as well as bring me a plethora of discomforts in its wake. No work, no reward, right?

Here’s my latest ailments compliments of trimester two:

My Back Hurts Syndrome
This pertains to my upper back, lower back, left back, right back, front back, lower-left back and sometimes my upper-right back or right up your back.

My Ligaments Hurt Syndrome
This is felt when moving up and down too quickly. My body kindly reminds me to slow down by demonstrating where every muscle and ligament in my lower abdomen is—in the form of sharp stabby pain.

Tin Man Syndrome
Knee and hip joints so awkwardly stiff that I sympathize with the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Unfortunately the tiny squeak I mistake as my joints asking me for oil, is simply just my joints rubbing together.

I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up Syndrome
This also applies to laying, sitting, standing, squatting, and kneeling.

Barely Breathing Syndrome
I now have the lung capacity of a coin purse.

Incapable Reach Syndrome
I’m moving further and further away from the counter top. The wingspan of a gnat is probably greater at this point than mine. I recently started to set clean dishes near or around the proper cupboard simply because I can no longer reach to put them away—and by “around” I mean somewhere near the kitchen.

Puffer Fish Syndrome
My hands, feet, wrists, face, legs, and ankles all appear to have had a severe allergic reaction to shellfish.

Achy Breaky Heart Syndrome
Heartburn so strong, it’s likely whatever I’ve eaten has suddenly burst into flames and actual fire is rapidly rising back up my throat.

Man, This Baby is Heavy Syndrome
The weight of what I swear is a baby rhinoceros already resides inside my belly. I horrifically wonder if this baby will be pushed out at birth or will come charging out to block the offense. On a side note, I will look back on this week and really feel like a wuss knowing my baby wasn’t even a full pound yet.

Thank you nature. Not because you are phenomenal, but because you could have gradually done all these things over the course of an entire year, as opposed to waiting until the last moment for the simple reason that it’s just as good as any.

Only 20 weeks to go.

Until then, I’ll be watching Adam Levine on TV with a pint of ice cream and wishing he was available to bring me some egg rolls.