Week 20: Boy, oh, boy!

“It’s a BOY!” I could hardly believe it. But I did believe it. Of course I did. The very obvious proof was right in front of me, and there was absolutely no denying that the little one kicking and doing somersaults and punching me from the inside out is one bold little boy. As our sonographer checked his heart, spine, brain, arms and legs and everything else, I felt warm tears coming down my face. The flood of emotions stopped me in my tracks, and I just listened quietly embracing everything I was feeling. He looked healthy. He looked great. He looked more than great. He looked perfect. He was no longer just “the baby” or “Baby Bean-chan.” He was now officially a he!
The first thought that entered my mind was, Oh, my god. I’m so clueless about boys! The next was, But holy … wow. A boy! However, the most consuming feeling I had while our sonographer continued to check him out was that I had immediately, involuntarily fallen head over heels in love even more deeply with this boy. It felt more real, like it had made him more tangible, and at that moment, I couldn’t wait to meet him, hold him and see his sweet face.
My husband Jesse and I had once talked about how having one of each child would feel balanced. We already have a girl, and she’s been such an incredible force in our lives. Adding a boy just feels like we would gain an entirely new set of skills. The experience the second time around would be vaguely familiar but altogether unique in its own right. We said that if we were to have another girl, we might feel more inclined to try for a third and hope that it would be a boy; whereas, if we were to have a boy, there wouldn’t be as much pressure to even have a third child. That couldn’t ring truer to me now.
My first experience with my daughter will always be special because she was my first‑she made me a mother and challenged me in ways I never thought possible. Yet although this is my second pregnancy, it feels like the first because he is a boy. It’s an entirely new set of challenges, skills, games, clothes, habits, manners and personalities! Because he is a boy, we feel like we may have hit the jackpot and now have one of each, which feels perfect, and, in some ways, whole. But that also means that this is probably going to be the last time I get to be pregnant. It feels a little too absolute, you know? And that feels bittersweet. That is what makes this one special. He will be an extraordinary addition because he is a boy and quite possibly our last child. Then again, you just never know what may happen later on!
This is uncharted territory for us. Had we found out our baby was a girl, we would have felt confident. A girl? We already have all the tools and tricks in our back pockets when it comes to bringing up a girl. But a boy?! Let’s all press the reset button and start from square one. We’ve got this.