Water (re)birth

By Published On: March 1st, 2016

Some lucky moms pop out a baby and are back […]

Some lucky moms pop out a baby and are back in a bikini within a matter of weeks. For the rest of us (dare we say, the majority of us), the process of getting pool-ready is a little more involved …

  1. swimmieRealize swimsuit season is just around the corner. Begin panicking. Eat a plate of cookies to calm your nerves.
  2. Resign yourself to the fact that you’ll be showcasing some of your less-than-perfect assets in very little time. Start exercising daily(ish), eating salads and building up the courage to go to the mall.
  3. Go to the mall. Listen to baby wail from the stroller while desperately trying to shimmy into a tasteful black one-piece without pulling a muscle.
  4. Decide swimwear is overrated. Buy a cute, forgiving cover-up at Target, and call it a day.
  5. Receive a reminder about family’s annual get-together at the lake next month. Reconsider earlier decision. Pour a glass of wine, and order five suits online with the intention of returning at least four.
  6. Collect swimsuits from delivery man. Pour a glass of wine. Commence try-on session.
  7. Turn sideways, suck in stomach, and bemoan the baby weight still sitting on your hips. Settle on the suit that’s least offensive (and, incidentally, most comfortable).
  8. Wear suit to family gathering. Also wear Target cover-up. Swear to hubby that you will not be taking the cover-up off, no matter what, because has he seen your thighs?
  9. Keep cover-up on until you’re so hot fear of spontaneous combustion creeps in. Fantasize about how nice it would be to dip in the water.
  10. Throw off your cover-up, and own your thighs. Lavish in the water, splash with baby, and have pretty much the best day ever.