Tweets from the trenches

Find these and hundreds more parenting-related tweets in The Big Book of Parenting Tweets, edited by Kate Hall and Science of Parenthood.
One minute your kids are babies, and the next you’re sleeping in till 9:30 a.m. because they have the iPad and can reach the cereal.  —Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily)
Me: *gets on scale* 5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points! —Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall)
Like Shakira, my hips don’t lie. Hers say, “I’m so sexy!” Mine say, “I like cheese and birthing babies.” —Bethany Thies (@BPMBadassMama)
Being a parent means being willing to sniff another human’s butt in public to rule out that “the smell” is not your kid. —Jennifer Lizza (@OutsmartedMommy) 
What do a toddler, a preschooler and a pregnant woman all have in common? We all pee our pants in public. —Chrissy Howe (@FullMetalMommy)
When I realized my new haircut was a “mom” cut, I cried bitter tears of despair onto my Jordache dark-wash elastic-waist jeans. —Linda Doty (@LindaInDisguise)
Put a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome. —Jewel Nunez (@OneFunnyMummy)
A parent’s lament: “Think of all the sex we could be having if we hadn’t had all that sex.” —Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy Cooperman)
I’ll put the kids to bed. — Married sext —Sarah del Rio (@Est1975Blog)
I’m just like Angelina Jolie in that I wear my children’s art. Except it’s on my body. In the form of stretch marks.  —Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan)
Cutting a baby’s fingernails is like cutting the red, yellow and green wires on a bomb, hoping each clip doesn’t set off an explosion. —The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal)
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs. of crumbs. —Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) 
How to calm a crying baby: 1) Pick it up. 2) OK, so when it turns like, 5, you can put it back down. Good luck. —Lurk at Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)