Several weeks before I delivered my third child, we were told that she had trisomy 13—a chromosome disorder—and that she possibly wouldn't be coming home from the hospital with us. It was definitely a blow to our family—our children Raghan, then 6 and Braylan, then 3, were very excited about our new baby girl Jaylan. We had given them the joy of having a baby sister only to have to take the joy away. Here's my blog entry from my baby Jaylan's birth day:
Today is the 4th of July. Both of my kids spent the night with my parents last night and my nieces. I woke up this morning prepared to work half a day so I wouldn't have to take a day of leave. Around 6 a.m. as I was debating whether to sleep in a little longer or to get on up I felt my water break. All I could think was, This can't be. I'm not scheduled to go in for another week and two days. Am I ready? I was 100 percent sure that it was broken, so I woke Michael and the process began. I showered (although I know I wasn't suppose to), we packed bags (clothes for the kids, a bag for me and a bag for Jaylan), Michael shaved, I took a quick picture, Michael finally found his wallet, and we were out the door. I'm not happy that my house is a mess. I don't like coming back to a messy house so I know this will be another thing that bothers me. Since I planned on working anyway, I had Michael drop me off at the office so I could meet up with my replacement during maternity leave to wrap up some loose ends and answer any last minute questions. Then I went over to be admitted.
As we left our house this morning I began thinking, Jaylan, I'm not ready to let you go. I thought I had another week with you. I wondered as we pulled away from the house and drove up Country Club hill and then down what would I be thinking when I came back over the hill. Would Jay be gone? I just want to embrace my life now with all of my kids on this side of glory. My heart is getting heavy and sad. They've told me that my blood pressure is running a teeny bit high but I'm sure it's because of the anxiety. I'm praying that God will take this anxiety and fear of expectations away and again replace it with His perfect peace. Don't get me wrong, I'll never in my life underestimate the power of God and His abilities. I know without a doubt that Jaylan can be healed miraculously, because whatever happens is all for His glory. However, as Jesus was praying in the garden in Mark 14:36, he said, “Abba Father, all things are possible with you, take this cup away from me, nevertheless, not what I will but what you will.” Even Jesus knew that although God is all powerful it still had to be in His will. We've prayed adamantly from the beginning of things that whatever happens, it's all in His will and His will could very well be to take her on to heaven. After all, she was His to begin with, I've just been blessed and privileged to carry her over these last several months. One thing that I've definitely learned is that this was never about me, and not even about Jaylan. It's always about Him. God is good.
At this point no one knows that I've been admitted except for our parents, and Jan and Tiff from work. We just want to keep everything as calm as possible. It's so important that I keep my mind stayed on His perfect plan and will for our lives. They started my induction about 20 minutes ago and the contractions are definitely coming, though not that bad. I still feel a lot of peace right now and I just pray that it continues to flood me. We are in “wait mode.” Until later … God is good
Continuing on later …
Well we are half way there. I've dilated to 5 cm and I expect things to start speeding up. I'm sitting and listening to Kirk Franklin's “I Smile.” It's become one of my favorite songs lately. It says “Today's a new day and there is no sunshine. Nothing but clouds and it's dark in my heart and it feels like a cold night. Today's a new day—where are my blue skies? Where is the love and the joy that you promised me? You tell me it's alright. I almost gave up but a power that I can't explain, fell from heaven like a shower. I smile even though I'm hurt, see, I smile. I know God is working so I smile, even though I've been here for a while, I smile, smile…” God is good.
It's about that time, I'm feeling nervous and my heart is overwhelmed! I'll be delivering any minute now. Dr. J just got here. Bless her heart, she doesn't even work on Mondays and it's a holiday. The song in my heart now is, “Hold my hand Lord, please Hold my hand.” I'm as ready as I could possibly be. I'm feeling totally honored to bring baby J into this world. Thank you Lord. My next post will be after she's born. God is good.
Baby Jaylan entered the world at 4:55 pm, weighs 5.8 lbs, and is 18 inches long. AND she's beautiful. I had so much peace before and during delivery and I'm so thankful for that. Just before I started Dr. J came to my side and whispered, “I've been praying for you all day.” I love that woman. She was out in less than 5 minutes. She never made a peep when she was born which made me nervous that her spirit didn't make it but it did, praise God! She's yet to cry but we've been hugging and loving and kissing on her since she's made her debut. We don't know how much time we'll have with her but we'll definitely embrace every moment that we are blessed with. Grateful. J has had some struggling with her breathing but they gave her some oxygen which has helped her greatly! Her heart rate started around 50 and last check it's 118. Have I said how good God is lately? Raghan came and held her and kissed her. It was really sweet. That was her one request, to just see her one time. She has 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes. God is good!
Baby Jaylan lived with us in our home for 13 BEAUTIFUL weeks on hospice care. She went to be with our Lord on Thursday, October 6, 2012. As she passed away that evening, there were sightings of a bluish-green fireball that shot through the sky. She entered her precious life with a boom and departed her precious life with a boom. This fourth of July we celebrated her first birthday with her in our hearts while being thankful of the baby girl that is now growing in my womb exactly one year later.