1. Putting on socks and shoes. My feet. They’re suddenly so far away! But it’s cold, and there’s snow on the ground. So, every day I must try to bend and twist and find a way to get them on. Recently my husband found me walking around the house with only one sock on. When he asked why I was only wearing one sock, I admitted that the other sock had fallen off my foot when I was changing my pants, and I was too lazy to bend over and put it back on.
2. Rolling over in bed. I’m assuming this process would be amusing to watch if it weren’t happening to me. I usually fall asleep on my right side and then, at some point in the night, I wake up to a shoulder that is sore from bearing my weight for several hours. So I begin the arduous process of trying to roll over. I first hurl myself onto my back. Then, because I can’t hurl myself onto my other side, I push myself up to a sitting position. This makes my pelvic bone hurt. (Maybe you didn’t know but your pelvic bone starts to separate as it prepares for labor and delivery. And do you know what hurts? When your bones start to separate.) So I sit there, waiting for my splitting pelvic bone to stop hurting. In the meantime, I realize I have to pee. So I get out of bed and hobble to the bathroom. Doing this usually causes the separating pelvic bone to crack back into place. Both the feeling and the sound are delightful. I stumble my way to the bathroom and then back into bed, finally repositioned to lie on the opposite side.
3. Eating. I think my stomach has stopped digesting food. I rarely feel hungry and when I do, I eat a tiny portion and am so stuffed for the next eight hours that my only option is to lie down on the couch and moan in discomfort. *NOTE: This didn’t stop me from eating half a dozen rolls at Texas Roadhouse the other night.
4. Going to the bathroom. I have to pee every four seconds. That’s not really true. I basically have to pee constantly. Even when I’m peeing, I still feel like I have to pee. Also, chronic constipation. I won’t elaborate on that except to say that it’s constant and it’s severe.
5. Walking. I’ve definitely entered the waddling phase. It’s super attractive and really does wonders for my self-esteem. Recently my husband inquired as to why I was out of breath, and I had to admit that it was because I had just climbed the flight of stairs in our house. Also, the ground is covered with a lovely mixture of ice/snow, and if I survive this winter/pregnancy without falling and breaking an arm, it will be a miracle.
6. Wearing shirts. With the exception of the amazing camisoles from Stitch Fix, none of my shirts cover my belly at this point—always a sure sign that I’m nearing the end of a pregnancy.
7. Sneezing. Sneezing itself hasn’t necessarily gotten harder. But not peeing my pants as a result of the sneeze has become, well, impossible. Goodbye bladder control, it was nice knowing you.
I feel like this is the time in a pregnancy when time stands still. On the one hand, five weeks isn’t that long. In fact, it’s actually kind of short. But on the other hand, OH MY GOD! STILL FIVE WEEKS?!?