Questions asked by a new father
Why would anyone refer to a pacifier as an “artificial […]
- Why would anyone refer to a pacifier as an “artificial nipple?”
- When my baby smiles at me, is he smiling because he has a secret? I get the feeling that he knows how to walk and talk, but he just wants to see me mumble and sing songs for a few more months.
- What do hipsters do with their dogs after they replace them with children? We have all noticed that hipster-owned pets are rarely at the farmer’s market once their owners have kids. What happened to them?
- What is butt paste, and will I die if I eat it?
- My baby likes being swaddled because it reminds him of being in the womb. My baby also enjoys peeing on the wall while having his diaper changed. Explain this.
- Our pediatrician informs us that our baby falls into the 75th percentile in “head size.” Is this something they normally measure, or is she just being mean?
- Can butt paste be used for arts and crafts projects?
- When babies have gas, they scream at everyone until they feel better. At what age do we lose that right?
- My son’s shirt says “I was born awesome.” Why do we condone baby arrogance?