Missing the firsts …

By Published On: January 26th, 2015

Before I begin, I have done it! I can change […]

Before I begin, I have done it! I can change a nappy and sing at the same time, if you have no idea what I’m on about read: The queen (and joker) of multitasking.
… I said I’d let you know.
Anyway …
download-3Every week I am writing this blog to celebrate the birth of my first little one, partly so I can exercise the thoughts and feelings that overwhelm me daily, but also so when my baby Ben is all grown up he can see these words and know how I am feeling and how he is loved.
So really this blog is sort of a gift for both of us, and on this journey I hope to share all of the joys and triumphs, all of the happiness and wonder I feel every day since he arrived five weeks ago. I don’t want to miss out anything that one day I can look back fondly on and smile a wrinkled, toothless old man smile.
However, this week I want to share something not quite as upbeat, sorry, but it’s been a tough one!
I want to start by acknowledging that I am blessed, I had four whole weeks off to be with my little one when he was born. I know of some dads who only have a week, and I learned that my dad only had a day. I couldn’t imagine how tough that would be, so to have four weeks I am very grateful for. But the Monday just gone I had to set my alarm for 5:45 a.m., iron my shirts and go back to work for the first time.
It was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long, long time.
Don’t get me wrong; I love my job, and seeing all of my students again after a long break was nice. They all wanted to see pictures and know how we all were. Again, I’m blessed for loving what I do, but even with all of this positivity I was desperate to be at home changing a nappy or rocking him to sleep. I was desperate to smell his head and have him grip my finger with his tiny hand. Needless to say my productivity at work hasn’t been good. I understand it has to happen, though. We all need to work (well most of us), and I’m driven to work better and move up higher in the world just for him. I just wish I could wave a magic wand that would allow me to always have him by my side.
Maybe one day.
You’d think I’d wrap up the blog here, but it gets worse. Not only have I missed him so much this week, but I have also missed his first smile. My partner sent me a picture, the same one attached to this blog. And as I want to stay honest and true to what this is I have to say that I cried sitting at my desk. Partly because his smile lights up my already bright world and partly because I missed his first one. Babies have lots of them, I know. But the first smile is something I have been desperate to see, and I didn’t, and it hurt. It made me feel like I had failed somehow.
So if anyone out there has any idea how to deal with missing things better than I have, (with the amount of time I am out of the house at work I may miss many more firsts), let me know.
Sorry this post isn’t a chirpy as usual. I’m sure when I see a smile in the flesh all will feel better, and I’ll be back to my daft self.