My little man has been here for a month now, […]
My little man has been here for a month now, and it’s left me feeling very reflective over the past four weeks. A common tread throughout that time (as well as the months leading up to his arrival) were my feelings of worry and fear.
Before Ben I have had lots of worries, as all soon to be parents do, but the biggest by far was the fear of losing my independence and lone wolf mentality. I guess it goes back to the hunter gather instinct of our ancestors. Men once roamed the lands living off of the earth, and I know I’ll miss that.
But don’t get me wrong—I’m a full on 21st-century man. My partner is the breadwinner, and if anyone has to stop working it will be me. Still, that primitive instinct is there, quietly resting, scared of being lost.
A long time ago, probably about three months before he arrived, this thought crossed my mind when I saw a two-seater sports car.
“I’m never going to be able to have one now!”
I think the issue with this is I’ve never wanted one, so then, this thought crossed my mind a few sleepless nights after.
“There goes my dream of living in a monastery!”
I kid you not, these were once my real thoughts. Foolish I know!
Thinking back I cannot believe that they ever crossed my mind, but I completely understand why. I wasn’t scared about losing my independence at all. I was scared about whether I could be a parent and if I could protect and love my little one as much as everyone says they love their child. Simply put, I was scared about becoming a dad.
Then I became one. Now if you are reading this and worried about similar things, don’t be. It is amazing! I knew from the second I saw him that he was the making of me.
Those silly fears were gone.
OK, honestly, when I say gone I really mean they’ve morphed into another sort of worry. Now that he is here I’ve spent weeks in a panic, constantly checking to see if he’s still breathing when he’s been in a deep sleep, and I fret that he’s ill when he cries.
However, over the last few days things have changed again and (finally) I’m getting to the point of this blog post.
Things have changed because I started trusting him. I trust him to sleep and breathe at the same time, and I trust him to tell me if something is not right. I trust him to show me he is content without me constantly worrying about his happiness. I can honestly say the effect on me has been huge.
I just wish I started to trust him earlier.
Now that I’m worrying less about whether he is OK, I have found I can love him on a deeper level, one without a constant undertone of concern. And because of this, I am able to spend more time being in the now with him, seeing him for the wonderful little boy he is.
I’m not focused on my worry anymore, and I can now see how he has changed me. I don’t want to be the independent lone wolf type, and looking at him, I now know I never really wanted that. It was all just a front to mask the void that he has so expertly filled.
He has become my reason for wanting to achieve my dreams. Through my new trust in him, I can see this now.
I can love him more because I trust him to be OK, and I guess that’s what I want anyone who might read this to know. If you can take anything from this, take that worrying does nothing but cause more worry, and if you learn to trust your little one and worry less everything becomes so much more enjoyable. The bond between you and your little one can become so much deeper, like me with mine.