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By Published On: April 10th, 2012

Written by: Rachel Reiff Ellis April 09 2012 Ihave officially […]

Written by: Rachel Reiff Ellis

Ihave officially reached week 36 of my pregnancy, which apparently is the point at which Ibecome completely worthless. Writing words takes colossal effort, since thinking also takes colossal effort, and Igenerally try to think before Iwrite. (Generally being the operative word in that sentence.) Therefore, every letter in this post is a tiny miracle.Look at all the tiny miracles! Here's four!And fives! Amazing.

I would say that I am definitely farther out of commission at this juncture than Iwas with either of my previous pregnancies, and I don't know if that's because I have two other kids to take care of plus a full-time job (neither of which was true the other go-arounds) or if it's because I didn't exercise at all enough during this pregnancy or if it's because I'm the oldest I've ever been while pregnant, or what, but I can't seem to get it together for nothing. My brain has started folding inward (and not in the deep crevices mean you're smarter kind of way) and making me focus on the here and now, or at least the heft and the ow.There are a lot of things I am just not good at right now, and Idon't say that to be self-deprecating, it's just straight up true. Here is a short list of what I am presently crap at:

1. Cognitive function (math, spelling, holding a coherent conversation on the telephone, writing this post, etc.)

2. Bending over

Soooo far away …

3. Laundry (this might always be true, but I'm currently taking it to a whole new level)

I mean, I'd have to move my arms to fold this stuff. Like, a lot.

4. Cooking (see above parentheses)

“Welcome to—Oh, hey Mrs. Ellis. Your usual today?

5. Doing anything quickly.

Taking full advantage of the fact that I can't reach her in time to get her off the coffee table before she jumps.

6. Lots of other things I'm forgetting because of #1.

However!There are a few things I am pretty awesome at in my late-pregnant state, and I'd like to take a minute to go over them to make myself feel a little better. To wit:

1. I can eat, son. Imean, put food away, no joke. This is pretty amazing considering my stomach is the size of a raisin.

Hello, lover.

2. I can grow hair and fingernails like a BOSS.

3. Iknow my way around an OB appointment. Blood draw? Pssh. Pee in a cup? Shall Iperhaps fill it to an exact ounce amount for you? Need me to take my own blood pressure? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I could do that, too. (However, dear scale:Middle finger to you, sir.)

Ah, my home away from home.

4. I have mad toe skills. As in, if any part of it will fit between my ten piggies, I can pick it up off the ground. Or switch it on, in the case of, say, a floor fan.

Totally did that bear puzzle with my feet.*

5. I can fall asleep in a matter of seconds and then sleep like I'm dead. This is also amazing, considering the common maladies of insomnia and general discomfort usually experienced in late pregnancy. (Typing that out means that I will be unable to sleep tonight, because that is how things work when you blog.)

6. Other things I'm forgetting because of #1 in the first list.

Not bad, eh? Yes, I'm feeling better about my abilities already. Now if I could only get up off this couch, I would be totally money.

*Not really. BUTICOULD HAVE.