First 3 months: Top 10 things I learned

The task of birthing a baby is no small one. (Depending on how big your baby is, of course.) After nine months of waiting and waddling down the street, a tiny baby is placed in your arms, and we merry band of women are suddenly getting macaroni necklaces every Mother’s Day. No matter how many books you read, classes you take, or people who stop you in Starbucks, not one piece of advice can prepare you for the months that now lie ahead. Well, except, of course, for the advice I am about to impart to you here.*
Here are the Top 10 Things I’ve Learned in my first three months of being a mom:

10. You do not deliver your baby weight along with your baby.
9. If breast feeding, in case of emergency you can use your boobs as a flotation device (or a light snack).
8. Even though you truly believe you will have the only baby that sleeps through the night, you will awake from this dream (5-6 times from 1:20am- 1:42am) only to realize babies do not value sleep as much as you do.
7. You will cry over spilt milk.
6. Your baby has spent nine months with you, and therefore, husbands, parents, aunts, uncles, and the nice old lady at Starbucks cannot calm your baby like you can. Which leads us to…
5. The phrase you used to stand by, “Crying babies don’t bother me,” does not now apply to you. Your crying baby will make your heart fall to the floor next to the rocker you’ve been sitting in for two hours trying to calm him down.
4.  Babies need more costume changes than Lady Gaga.
3. Not since college will you meet a person that can vomit all over you and you still want to hang out with them the next day.
2. There’s such a thing as TV?
1. Not since ever will you love a person as fiercely and as wholly as the tiny person that sleeps with complete and total trust in your arms. (Now, take a nap.)
*The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of all authors or mothers who are authors. These views are subject to change dependent upon how much sleep and/or caffeine said author is getting in any given 24-hour cycle.  Please do not approach author unless you are providing her with the afore-mentioned caffeinated beverage and/or more sleep. The author thanks you for your patience and will without hesitation take the cup coffee you are holding our of your hand.