"Don’t go in the water.”

My 7-week-old snuck downstairs to watch TV. There can be no other explanation. One night after my husband and I passed out from the exhaustion of rocking, yoga ball bouncing, and rocking (our baby, not each other), little E must have decided to grab a cup of coffee and watch some late night TBS. If the usual Star Wars marathon had been on perhaps my little one would be using The Force to bring him his bottle. But instead, E DOES NOT GO IN THE WATER. Obviously, he watched Jaws.
As my husband and I lower E into his tiny baby bathtub, the huge screams that emanate from his tiny head sound like someone watching Howard the Duck for the first time. No matter how many times I try to explain to him that Jaws is just a movie and that it really is unlikely a shark has made it into his Lil’ Tub, my son continues to scream like Great Whites are moving in for the kill. His wails make our dogs whine with protective confusion, while I feel like I’m inflicting the worst possible torture upon him. I wonder, can I wait until he’s 5 to give him his first bath?
I thought all babies were supposed to love their bathtime. I figured it would be a nice little bedtime ritual that I would add to our rocking, and bouncing, and show tune-singing. Now, I am more afraid to give him a bath than he is of taking one.
When E shrieks every cell in my body tenses. Part of me wants to run for the hills (even though I know I will still be able to hear his screams in the hills) and the other part wants to scoop him out of the bath half clean and make it all OK. What’s going to happen when he gets upset at school because some kid took away his Boba Fett action figure? Will I run for the hills, or run for the other kid? What kind of mother will I be?
Thank goodness E is still a little human, and bath time can be incredibly short. I can make myself stand it for all of 2 minutes and still sing The Sun Will Come out Tomorrow. However, I do think now may be a good time to install some parental controls on our TV. I don’t even want to think about what would happen if he were to watch Look Who’s Talking Too.