Butt Doughnuts

By Published On: August 9th, 2013

So I debated this week about what to talk about—the […]

So I debated this week about what to talk about—the big family vacay (we survived), the fact that we’re still homeless, or the way HP is taking to walking the way crows take to lilting. And I came up with this instead: butt doughnuts.
Surely HP is not the first to perform this simple act, which my wife genteelly refers to as “seeing the world for the first time in 360 degrees.” A less-imaginative fellow such as myself might say she is sitting and spinning. But that just didn’t sit well with me. Or spin, for that matter. So I came up with butt doughnuts. As far as I know, I coined it. And now I simply want to spread the doughnuts.
I want people to be sitting at their office, replacing Macklemore lyrics (“I wear your butt doughnuts, I look incredible.”) and assigning it new meanings (“Dude, it’s stuffy in here. I’m gonna go out and get some butt doughnuts”).
Okay, maybe that’s a bit ambitious. But at least it’s fun to say. Go ahead and try it. Butt doughnuts. Feels good, right?
It started one day, innocently enough, the three of us, just sitting around. Then one of us started spinning. It was kind of like watching a dog chase its stumpy little tail, but in really slow motion. And with less fur. She was having a big old time, though, grinning and laughing and just being really quite proud of herself. Then Bub chimes in with:
“Daddy, what’s HP DOING???”
“Well, son, I could be wrong, but it appears your sister is pulling some wicked butt doughnuts on the hardwood.”
And that was it. Birth of a fun phrase. Kids like to know what to call new things. Like butt doughnuts. The sideline grammarian in me, though, does feel the responsibility to explain a couple of things about this new lexical item:

  1. It is a noun only. It cannot function, like so many nouns, as a verb. Man, I had a couple Red Bulls last night and butt doughnutted till I got a splinter. Doesn’t work. Noun only.
  2. The correct verb to modify it, if ‘pull’ is a bit too tubular for you, is ‘do.’ One DOES butt doughnuts. Butt doughnuts are something to be done.
  3. I guess that’s it. Our family’s enjoying it. Hopefully yours will, too!