Dear Mother, I hope this letter finds you in good […]
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I understood that yesterday you were feeling fatigued—as your unkempt hair looked like something out of a Poison music video. But I digress: I’m writing to you today because there is an unresolved issue between us that needs to be addressed. More to the point—why must you stop bouncing?
After nine months on The Inside, I was led to believe there would be just as much bouncing on The Outside. You carried me with you wherever you went shopping, to the movies, or yoga class that one time, and now, after eight weeks on The Outside, I find I gave up my warm, comfy home and great womb service to find my beloved bouncing has stopped—or at least decreased a great amount. Being held by you AND ONLY YOU and BOUNCING is where I feel most comfortable. Frankly, I am confused as to why you seem reluctant to continue this process. Aren’t our two-hour “Step-Touch’s” around the house just as enjoyable for you?
I must say I am pleased with your new purchase, although I do feel that you could utilize it more than you are at present. I can see it out of the corner of my eye sitting unused in the corner there as you are trying to employ pats on my back as a means of consolation.
I’m sure you can tell by my vehement, uncompromising protestations that I would much rather be bouncing on the new big blue “exercise” ball. I do so enjoy falling asleep in your arms with you bouncing away gently during those four Friends episodes on NickHD. (That Chandler sure is a card!) But, as I am sure you are aware, I become displeased when I am laid down without having given my express permission to do so. To be clear—this is because when I’m lying down there is no bouncing.
So, I am writing to you to ask if you could perchance incorporate more bouncing into our daily routine. I would greatly appreciate this, and our time together would become even more pleasant than it already is.
Thank you very much for your time and attention.
Your “Bouncing” Baby Boy,
P.S. Also, I’m not sure if I feel comfortable addressing you as “Khaleesi.”