10 Reasons I'm a giant ball of anxiety

By Published On: August 2nd, 2016

As I sit here and tear off my previously perfectly […]

IMG_5832As I sit here and tear off my previously perfectly manicured fingernails until there’s nothing left but bleeding stumps, it dawns on me that I’m feeling overwhelmed. What else is new? Here are the top 10 reasons I’m currently wadded into a giant ball of anxiety…

1.  This post needs to be written, and it’s not writing itself. I love writing. It’s usually really cathartic for me. But sometimes when the deadline approaches and I haven’t written anything, it makes me stress out big time. I panic about not having any ideas for what to write about. Then I put it off, procrastinate, dilly-dally, dawdle and panic some more. It’s a solid course of action, let me tell you.

2.  It was 105 degrees when I got into my car yesterday. That’s a ridiculous number of degrees. It’s too many. There’s no humidity here in the Wild West which, for some unknown reason, makes people think it’s more bearable. But they’re wrong—105 degrees is too many degrees with or without humidity. Without humidity you just won’t sweat, and you’ll die of heat stroke without even seeing it coming. I can see how that’s totally better.

3.  Laundry. Baby No. 4 and I just got back from a long weekend away with my girlfriends from college. My husband (God bless him) kept up with the laundry while I was away but nevertheless, there is an unsurmountable pile that still needs to be done. It never ends, and it’s totally overwhelming.

4.  Work. I’ve made it a point to never talk about my work on the internet, so we’ll just leave it at that.

5.  Dinner. I despise this meal. I actually despite mealtime in general because it usually involves yelling, crying and refusal to eat whatever is being served. Inevitably, milk gets spilled and then I want to yell and cry. Hence anxiety. Every day.

6.  Mom guilt. I spend all day, every day missing my kids. I miss them so much during the day that it hurts. But then they get home and immediately start fighting, crying, yelling, pouting, stomping, wailing, etc. and all I want to do is send them to bed ASAP.  Then I feel guilty because I spend so little time with them and yet I still find them irritating. Worst mom ever.

7.  School. For the 6-year-old and 4-year-old, school starts on August 8. WHAT?!? That, in my mind, is still the middle of summer. Let’s not get started on the public school system here though because it’s a wormhole from which we’ll never emerge. But with the first day of school fast approaching, it means I have to purchase supplies, backpacks, lunchboxes, etc. in preparation. And obviously this causes me stress.

IMG_57498.  It’s time for the baby to start eating solid foods. She’s been showing an increasing interest over the last couple of weeks, so it’s time for me to buy some avocados, smash them up, mix in some breast milk and get her started. But rather than actually DO that, I just think about it and add it to my ever-growing list of things I need to do. Plus, this is just one more sign that she’s growing up too fast, and I’m going to die as a result.

9.  I’m tired. So very, very tired. I get plenty of sleep (mostly). And yet, I’m tired. I’m pretty sure I could sleep for three days straight if given the opportunity. Not that that will ever happen. But if it did, I’d be all over it.

10. The mess. My house looks like it was hit by a very localized tornado. There’s stuff everywhere. I want it all organized and put away. But because of No. 9 (see above), I never have the energy to actually make that happen. There are boxes of baby clothes in every corner either waiting to be donated, given away, sorted or put away. It’s too much to deal with, so I do my best to ignore it.

I suppose this could have been a much shorter list, had I just admitted that life is causing me stress. It’s a horrible feeling. I wake up every day with a pit in my stomach, and it only gets bigger as the day goes on. The to-do list grows faster than I can cross things off of it and mostly I just want to cry. Because clearly that will help.