Let’s be honest, if we waited until we thought we were fully ready to have kids, many of us may have never become parents. By the same token, a lot of the things we thought we’d be dealing with as parents and how we’d deal with them were, well, not based in a reality we could have perceived until actually having milk goblins of our own.
We don’t know about you, but hindsight being 20/20, these parenting tweets about what parenthood is really like would have helped prepare us for what was in store better than any expert advice in those parenting books we read.
Here are 16 laugh-out-loud funny parenting tweets to help you decide if parenting is for you.
The first hour of your day as a parent will be the longest year of your life.
We honestly envy the lack of children’s concepts of time and rationale. Until we don’t because we have somewhere to be like 15 minutes ago, but are stuck watching our kids who were adamant about putting their shoes on “by themselves.”
Once you become a parent, you will never take a normal shower again. Prepare for the phantom baby cries and screams, checking on your kid to make sure they’re still safe and secure in their bounce chair on the bathroom floor because that’s the only way you can hygiene today, and being asked invasive questions about your … erm … anatomy when you thought you were alone in the bathroom.
They are no longer couch cushions, they are castle walls. Any interior design goals are going to have to wait a while after having kids because nothing is off-limits no matter how hard you try.
Driving becomes an Olympic sport when you’re a parent. You will perfect the rear view mirror “mom look,” blind backseat floor-toy-bottle-food fishing while keeping your eyes on the road, and driving straight as your child kicks the back of your seat in an epic tantrum for you to “watch this!”
“The dog ate my homework” suddenly seems like a perfectly rational excuse because as a parent, the oddest of odd excuses and reasons you’re late will come out of your mouth. Eighty percent of them will be because of your toddler’s weird wardrobe malfunctions.
Your diet as a mom or dad will consist of cold meals and/or your child’s leftovers eaten above the trash can. You are basically a human garbage disposal.
Who needs the CIA when you have a miniature provocateur who’s well-versed in mental torture on your hands?
The bathroom is equivalent to Narnia as far as children are concerned. They will follow you in there and maintain deep, awkward eye contact as you attempt to relieve yourself. They also know that you have no choice but to pop a squat for a while and will use this opportunity to perform such amazing spectacles as the Underwhelming Jump Kick.
You will be expected to do all of the things all of the time as a parent. You could have just gotten home from Yeti hunting at Disney World after swimming with actual mermaids on a vacation to Hawaii and your child will complain of boredom.
Your kid will give the oddest descriptions for shows, toys and food, and you will know EXACTLY what they mean. You’ll also find yourself getting angry over the strangest stunts concocted by your little.
Much of parenthood is planning for and buying fun activities that become a lot less fun after spending literal hours doing them with your kid and having them yell that you aren’t doing them correctly.
Wanna know one of the biggest parenting mistakes you can make? Being confident that you know what your child’s favorite food, snack or meal is and stocking up on that item or making it twice in a week because by then they will have decided they actually hate it.
Children are little miracles, but they are also little insult generators, and they are not bashful about the things they observe. Kids may like a lot of things sugar-coated, but their thoughts? Not so much.
Welcome to parenthood where even an hour more of sleep is a major win, and I mean MAJOR.
Between the laundry, dishes, messes and noises, you will be convinced that there are invisible people living in your house because the maths don’t math in regards to how much there is at all times.
Before leaving the house, a full body search is in order because you never know what stains, bodily fluids, stickers, etc, your child may have put on you. You will find “treasures” like boogers and random house objects in your purse, shoes and pockets. That thing you’ve been looking for for forever? You won’t find it until you move because kids are basically squirrels who stash shiny objects away in neat little hiding spots.
Did you laugh? Share the gift with your fellow parent friends on social media. They need it!