There’s something about the holidays that’s so much more special once you’re a parent, and Easter is no different. Creating all the magic behind-the-scenes for your kids, watching their eyes light up, getting the chance to become Santa or the Easter Bunny, to heal the trauma of learning the truth as a child, eating half of your kid’s goodies after they go to bed…what? Who said that? Not us.
1. We’ve all heard of selective hearing, but kids have the stellar talent to selectively see what they want, when they want.
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2. Never question a child’s dedication and bloodthirst for a single grain of sugar. Also, never underestimate a grown adult’s willingness to turn an Easter egg hunt into a full-contact sport. With 3-year-olds.
3. If there were a parenting handbook, there would be a full chapter on holiday etiquette from a child’s perspective, and one of the rules would include getting their holiday outfits dirty almost immediately after donning them.
4. Brad and Chad like to drink beers and reminisce about how they “almost made it into the Big Leagues.” Brad and Chad are also the full grown dads sliding into home base, except home base is a plastic egg with a temporary bunny tattoo inside.
4. Healthy, shmealthy, you can have your green juices and cauliflower everything, but when Easter rolls around, you fill those eggs with sugary delights. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.
5. It’s our job as parents to teach our children healthy eating habits and life lessons. One of those lessons is disappointment.
6. Forget about sleeping with one eye open, we’re never sleeping again!
7. And Santa probably shops at Amazon. Because Mommy forgot to take off the label. It’s fine, they’ll be fine.
8. Oh, so you are fully capable of using your arm’s full range of motion. Good to know.
9. We hit the Easter egg jackpot! Wonder why we heard children crying as we drove off?
10. Oh, the Easter Bunny knows, they know full well.
11. The only acceptable names for the seasons we’ll be using from now on.
12. Which is not as bad as finding Easter eggs six months later. Of the hardboiled variety.
13. Who says the “most wonderful time of the year” can’t be extended until Easter? That’s right, no one. You rock that cornucopia of random seasonal porch decor, mama.
14. If you’re not making mental notes of which candies you’re totally eating in secret after your kids go to bed, we wouldn’t get along.
15. We were so cute back when we thought we’d buy Easter candy early so we’d be prepared…to buy 15 more bags because we keep eating it all. So cute.
16. It’s called upcycling, and you’re welcome.
17. One of the perks of the holidays as a parent is the ability to make that holiday “mascot” the fall guy.
18. Listen, we had no choice. There is no room this Sunday morning for a meltdown over that kind of life-altering spoiler.
19. When we were children, we won the lottery if our parents got us one of those giant cellophane-wrapped baskets filled with Dollar Store garbage.
20. One of the best parts of parenting is being able to deal out a little bit o’ payback on Easter as you watch your kids roam about the yard, tortuously searching for eggs. Drunk with power doesn’t even begin to describe how we feel telling our kids if they’re “hot or cold.”
21. Hate it when there’s nothing in the kitchen but ingredients.
22. If you can’t admit that one of your kid’s basic food groups after Easter is Easter candy, then you’re lying to yourself.
23. The little Easter chicks have to spread their wings and learn to fly some time.
24. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means? It means your children packing themselves Easter candy.
25. Listen, Santa and the Easter Bunny get a lot of kudos for the work us parents put in, the least they can do is be the bad guy when we don’t want to be. “With great power comes great responsibility,” and all that.
26. Easter and Christmas morning to a child is what Easter and Halloween after the kids go to bed are to a parent.
27. Fair is fair, and it’s about time your 2-year-old starts pulling their weight around the house.
28. Bribery is a parenting style, we don’t care what you say.
29. Don’t take candy from strangers. Unless it’s inside of a plastic egg that’s been used for at least 10 years in a row and has been sitting out in the sun all day.
30. Some people’s children.
31. It could also be reasoned that carrots help with eyesight, and that eyesight can be used next year to scope out more Easter goodies.
32. The kind of parenting hacks we need.
33. Looks like we’re having the “birds and the bees” talk a little early. It is springtime, after all.
34. And we’re stoked out of our minds about it. That’s how you know you’re an adult.
35. If you want to know how Jeff Bezos feels, walk into the Dollar Store (or Dollar.25 Store) with $50 to spend on Easter baskets.
36. Looks my Easter basket is filled with disappointment this year.
Did you enjoy these hilarious Easter parenting tweets? Then spread the love by sharing with your mom and dad friends. Happy Easter!