Mother’s Day is approaching, and while us moms appreciate anything we get, the things we need often get lost in translation somewhere between the commercials shouting that we want chocolate, diamonds and edible fruit bouquets. Really, though, moms are pretty simple. We want to relax and enjoy the day without worry. Worry that the dishes are piling up from breakfast in bed made by the kids. Worry about when we’ll actually get a free hour or two to use that gift card to the spa. And worry that we can’t see past the mess, the noise and excitement our families make in an effort to make us feel special to actually be able to feel special.
So if you’re lying awake in bed after being woken up early by small, anxious faces or trying to relax like your family instructed you to while they make a mess in the kitchen and ask you where everything is, we share with you 31 hilarious Mother’s Day Tweets as our gift of solidarity.
1.If you’re going to give us gift cards (which are awesome Mother’s Day gifts!), you need to also cover time for us to go spend that gift card, child-free.
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2. Take our money because this needs to be an actual thing that exists.
3. We give you an “A” for effort, but what we really want to do on Mom’s Day is, well, as little as possible!
4. It feels amazing to be treated for the day, but the big, juicy cherry on top would be taking care of all the housework and tasks we need to do so we don’t get stuck in a Mother’s Day hangover of unfinished business.
5. If by relaxing you mean getting a scream-induced headache and whiplash from all the surprises, then sure, some relaxing happened.
6. Because even on Mother’s Day it can’t be about you.
7. I’m sensing a trend here of moms wishing they can come back and be a dad in their next lives.
8. Somehow sleep is the most elusive to the ones meant to enjoy it the most on this holiday for them.
9. This one is dedicated to our sister wives. I mean tablets. Without which we’d never be able to shower.
10. Hear us out, Mother’s Day pop-up shops in all the Spirit Halloween locations on Mother’s Day for desperate partners everywhere who waited until the last millisecond.
11. Listen, we’re just covering our bases. Think of it as insurance.
12. Only a mother would think 83/107 tasks sounds like a vacation.
13. How about we just don’t and instead, stay home, stuff our faces, and watch murder documentaries?
14. We find it odd that the ones who go the hardest on Mother’s Day are usually in the thickest parts of mothering, but they’re still expected to pack up the kids and visit grandma. Why are we like this?
15. And it was written unto Dad Law that thy shall assemble in the card aisle of the nearest drugstore in droves for a $5 piece of sentimental paper or thou shall know a mother’s wrath.
16. It isn’t Mother’s Day until you boast about what you got and how much your family loves you on social media.
17. We don’t think so.
18. We don’t know, 22 minutes sounds pretty lofty. It’s usually more like, “Wake up! Happy Mother’s Day, we made you an almost inedible breakfast and hacked your favorite flower bush. Now get us some snacks.”
19. And then our kids complain that they’re hungry so we boil the macaroni on our necklace, add butter, and serve, because of course no one else thought to get groceries.
20. That word you keep using doesn’t mean what you think it means. More like “ignore the epic mess we made for you to clean up later.”
21. What a bargain.
22. If you thought the last time you’d have a hand in your uterus was during pregnancy and childbirth, you haven’t met an anxious child who is stoked out of their mind for you to see their handprint art or craft.
23. Who do we write to get the name changed, because this is far more accurate?
24. Can you imagine not being asked to be a human GPS? Because we can’t.
25. And the moms all tapped their fingernails together deviously.
26. Rookie mistake. Is the $15 you would have spent on some chocolates and flowers really worth a lifetime of verbal hellfire? Make good choices.
27. All we’re saying is this could be a sort of erotica genre for moms. Is it hot in here?
28. Move aside, we’ve got this (and we also have your credit card number memorized).
29. Our favorite form of R&R.
30. That one gets whatever they want forever. Just sayin’.
31. It’s the simple things that can make Mother’s Day the best.
May your day be filled with the snooze button, good eats, the people you love, relaxation, and great memories. Happy Mama’s Day from us here at Pregnancy & Newborn to you!
By Serena Dorman