Week 27: Pursuing peace

 
I love that State Farm commercial for “all the never(s) in life.” In case you haven’t seen it, it’s a collection of a few snapshots from a man’s point of view. It stars with him claiming he will never get married, and in the next scene he is buying a ring. The following snapshot is he and his wife vowing to never have kids, followed by her screaming in a hospital bed mid-birth. This same pattern continues through the couple claiming to never move to the suburbs, buy a minivan or have a larger family. I literally know this commercial by heart because it strikes a cord with me. I’ve been that person my whole life, claiming to know what I would always want and challenging anyone insisting I would one day change.
Until I got pregnant I was still that person. Actually, until about a week ago I was still in a similar mindset. I do not like when others try to tell me what I will want one day, but I have to admit, the desires of my heart are changing.
I don’t view myself as a modern, traditional American mother who researches everything and has a plan mapped out for her future. Matt and I tend to be more “everything works out” people. We try to be the best stewards of what we have, and we don’t like to stress! However, something happened when I got closer to my third trimester. I started to look at the world around me and saw it differently. My perception of day-to-day shifted from what it offers me to what my lifestyle offer us. I quit thinking (for a minute) about what cute things I can add to her wardrobe and started wondering, what can I truly offer her as of now? I’m not worried about being a great mom, but I feel the need to be open-minded to things once disregarded.
For Matt and I, this isn’t about great school districts or safe, family-friendly neighborhoods, but about offering our baby a peaceful home and upbringing we feel connected to. As much as we love the city (I’m pretty sure it’s actually in our blood), I have started to feel connected to the idea of land, sustainable practices and an all-around simpler lifestyle. I don’t know who this person typing is, but I am a firm believer children make some of us the people we were always meant to be. I said I would never leave this life we have started building for ourselves—the loft apartment, the central location in a city where our kids would be well-rounded and “cultured,” (this word makes me laugh now) and the connectedness of feeling a part of the urban chic families we see picnicking in the park on Saturdays. Even if this is in our future (minus the chic), it’s so liberating to feel a tug in another direction. The newness of our brand-new baby has brought parts of myself to the surface I didn’t know existed. I feel excited, optimistic and hopeful.
I am essentially at the bottom of this ladder I am climbing, learning about myself with a baby. These are all new dreams I am collecting, and I really view the sky as the limit. Matt reminds me often that we can cultivate peace anywhere. If our goal is to raise her in a certain environment, we are the biggest components of that becoming reality. He says I am the dreamer, and he is the momentum behind my many aspirations. I could not be more thankful for him. I’m really looking forward to what happens over the next year or so.
Do you ever have this certainty that something is changing (you know, aside from having a baby)? That’s how I feel right now! I am changing, and once I was able to get over the insecurity of this change, it quickly became a driving force for figuring my s#!+ out! This is a huge adventure for us, and I am excited to give up personal plans and past visions to walk into the true calling of our future. We are blessed, and every day I get more excited—86 days and counting!