Prenatal platitudes

What you’re told: Your belly will expand.
What actually happens: Your belly expands. And your fingers.
And your ankles. And your rear end. And your nose.
What you’re told: You’ll experience morning sickness.
What actually happens: You experience all-the-time sickness.
What you’re told: Pregnancy makes you glow.
What actually happens: Pregnancy makes you sweat.
What you’re told: You might start to experience occasional moments of “mommy brain.”
What actually happens: You won’t be able to remember your husband’s name from week 6 of pregnancy until your youngest turns 18.
Also, your car keys are probably in the freezer right now.
What you’re told: You’ll have to buy maternity clothes.
What actually happens: You have to buy maternity clothes … and new shoes a whole size bigger than your pre- pregnancy pairs.
What you’re told: You won’t believe how much you’ll love your baby.
What actually happens: You’ll love your baby an unbelievable amount.