Becoming a mother

As we approach baby Graham’s first birthday this week, I’ve been thinking about all the ways he’s changed and grown over the past 365 days. And then it occurred to me to think of how I’ve changed as well.

Transitioning into motherhood has been the most significant journey in my lifetime. “Transitioning” sounds gradual, progressive, but this adventure has thus far been more impetuous. I felt as if there was only one way into motherhood: diving in headlong. All at once you are responsible for the life of another being—a needy, helpless, completely adorable yet at times maddening little person. A blank slate ready to be colored in as you choose. It’s terrifying to think of all the ways you can mess everything up.  

Becoming a mother is discovering a love like you’ve never known. Having a child is an indescribable joy and the weightiest responsibility. The author Elizabeth Stone said “Making the decision to have a child—it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” This is the absolute truth.

You go from living for yourself to giving everything you have to another. It’s a project that takes daily (and nightly!) effort, and one that pays off in the most rewarding ways.

Becoming a mother has made me more selfless, as I now know what it feels like to know there’s absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure my sweet boy has what he needs. It’s made me more spontaneous (something I’m still working on) because things just don’t go according to plan all the time now that I have a little one.

I’m learning that it’s important to pick my battles and many times just let things go. I’m learning to find ways to make life more fun, to find “happy” every day, to help my precious boy have joyful childhood. I’m learning the importance of living my life in the moment—really being present. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything that needs to be done, what’s happening next. But, as any parent can tell you, it all flies by too fast. They change too quickly; they grow up too fast. I want to soak in every second with my growing baby boy.  

Graham, becoming your mama has been my greatest blessing, and I love you more than you’ll ever know. I’m so happy to be celebrating your first birthday this week, my sweet wonderful boy. There’s so much that I have left to teach you, but I now know that I’m learning much much more from you, my love.