Tag Archives: Josh Conley

Thank you, good night

Well, that time has finally come; time to pack up the diaper bag and mosey a little further on down that parenting trail, a bit older, hopefully a bit wiser.   My kids are now three and one, and we’re … Continue reading

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Full service

INT—DINING ROOM TABLE—DINNER TIME Daddy has just given HP her tray, Bub his plate, and put Mommy and Daddy’s plates on the table. BUB: Daddy, can I have more juice, please? ME: Sure, Bub. Where’s your juice cup? BUB: I … Continue reading

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The fast and the furious

My dad used to read this comic book called Groo the Wanderer, which, to the best of my memory, was kind of a send-up of Conan the Barbarian, wherein the title character was as dumb as a bag of staplers.  … Continue reading

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The all-nighter

The sun came up finally, woefully, to reveal the crime scene that slightly resembled our bedroom. Sheets and covers everywhere. Clothes lay strewn about like a hamper grenade had detonated in the closet. A crib sheet, half-folded, lay by the … Continue reading

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Creating traditions

I had a conversation with my sister-in-law about kids recently. Just sort of a general, quasi-philosophical what-does-it-all-mean kind of thing. She and my brother don’t have, but want kids. But the question on this particular night was why? And are … Continue reading

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Unhappy hour

The forts have all been built, the cups are all stacked. The pictures have all been Crayon-ed, the winks all tiddlied. No, it’s not the start of some third-rate lullaby. It is The Hour. And it is upon us once … Continue reading

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The stutter

“So what do you do, man?” Fairly common question this fine fellow posed to me between squash games. No reason it should cause me such anxiety or even make me think so hard. “Well, I, uh…” But there it was, … Continue reading

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Job description

I came downstairs the other morning and had a couple of minutes to interact with my wife before she went to work. This is how we chose to spend them: ME: Where’s the coffee pot? WIFE: Probably still in the … Continue reading

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Take care of me

Does this sound familiar? WIFE: Uhhhh…baby, I don’t feel good. ME: (backing away slowly) What’s wrong? WIFE: I have a sore throat. I’m getting sick, I can feel it. Can you take care of me? ME: (covering mouth and nose … Continue reading

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What do you need?

My wife and I got into a huge fight last week. Broken down to a very simplistic, childish level, it could best be summated like this: WIFE: You are not meeting my needs! ME: Well, you didn’t meet my needs … Continue reading

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Advice for newbies

We recently had a couple over who are about to join the parental team any day now. We’d never met them; the guy was a brother of a friend back home, yadda yadda. The important thing is that we met … Continue reading

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls

Our last trip to the library netted us a book about a pig. I won’t name names, but let’s just say this female protagonist has a very precious item destroyed. Her mother tells her they can fix it, knit a … Continue reading

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Valuable lesson

I recently went away for a couple days. Not in a metaphysical or transcendent sense; in a very real, concrete, out-of-state kind of way. I was gone a total of about 54 hours, just enough time for things to go … Continue reading

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Time management

INT—Kitchen, pre-coffee time ME: So you’re cooking the kids breakfast there, huh? WIFE: Yeah, it’s almost ready. You want an egg? ME: No, thanks. (Ideas percolate madly in his semi-comatose brain for several seconds) So, uh…you guys are going to … Continue reading

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Safety Shmafety

I clearly remember a conversation my wife and I had with our landlord (and father of two) shortly after Bub was born. It went something like this: US: Hey, do you think you could maybe install some of those covers … Continue reading

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Telltale signs

Remember the song “Lightning Crashes” by Live? It came on the car radio yesterday, and as is my M.O. for any song produced roughly between 1983 and 1996, I started singing along. The kids were abnormally quiet in the back; … Continue reading

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Through sick and kin

Last night did not go well. My wife came home from work a little early, and went right to take a nap. I didn’t think much of it—she has a brutal week in a job to which she’s still acclimating. … Continue reading

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The reaction

This is not going to be easy to write, because I usually try to focus on cheap laughs and oddball analogies. But I’m struggling to do that here and now, largely because I feel like a failure of a father. … Continue reading

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General Tso’s Pregnancy Test

There we were, on one big happy family adventure, piled in the Corrolla, cruising around our new neighborhood. “Exploring” we like to call it; sounds much more invigorating than killing-an-hour-before-dinner/bath/bedtime routine. And my wife comes out with this: “Mmm, Chinese … Continue reading

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Sleep Bargaining

Fade In:  INT—HOUSE BEDROOM—DAWN Two children’s voices, separate, yet equally annoying, can be heard mumbling, talking, laughing offscreen. It then turns to crying, then screaming, then fever pitch as the paned glass windows start asking for their last rites. Pan … Continue reading

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Butt Doughnuts

So I debated this week about what to talk about—the big family vacay (we survived), the fact that we’re still homeless, or the way HP is taking to walking the way crows take to lilting. And I came up with … Continue reading

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Family Vacation: Part One

As I write this, I am currently on vacation. It’s not exactly white sand between the toes and coconut breezes. Nor is it alpine morning mists and Douglas fir shadows. Not quite. It’s more like the weird feeling you get … Continue reading

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Living the dream

What is THIS? Another sappy post?! Why yes, yes it is. Here goes … I am somewhat of a perfectionist. But I think what I’m much more deeply afflicted with is romantic idealism. To put it simply, I have all … Continue reading

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Through the looking glass

Sometimes you don’t realize what a scrum your daily existence is until you are taken out of your home and asked to perform it on stage, with an audience. That stage for the past couple weeks has been my brother … Continue reading

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Why I love my job

I spend a lot of time griping about parenting. Mostly because by the end of each day, I feel like I’ve just gone another 15 rounds with a two-headed heavyweight with little regard for the below-the-belt rule. And the rematch … Continue reading

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The weaning of life

My wife is done breastfeeding. Let me rephrase: HP is done breastfeeding, ergo, my wife has been relieved of her duties. And as this is our alleged last offspring, this means for good. This has been met with mixed emotions, … Continue reading

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Giving mommy a break

First, a fictional anecdote: So, there is a car accident involving a father and son. The father is killed instantly, but the son survives. He is rushed to the hospital, in critical condition, but the doctor says, “I can’t treat … Continue reading

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Peekaboo

I know what you’re thinking—this guy isn’t going to write an entire post on peekaboo, right? Surely it’s just a catchy title that he’s going to put a clever spin on, right? Wrong. I am writing about peekaboo. Hear me … Continue reading

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Father’s Day

  Sunday will mark my third Father’s Day as a member of the club. Last year, I was feeling a little salty when I wrote THIS. Oh, it was exaggerated and stuff, but there were some nuggets of truth buried … Continue reading

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That time I brushed my son’s teeth with Neosporin

Here’s something you never want to hear: “Daddy, toothpaste is up HERE.” Especially as you’re looking down at a substance purporting to be a tube of Thomas the Train swallowable toothpaste, which you just finished brushing his teeth with. Well, … Continue reading

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Tonguing

So this post is different. More of a series of observations in long question form. It’s about tonguing (as a verb), which I’m not sure is a thing. I don’t really want to google it and wouldn’t know what to … Continue reading

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Sharing Antarctica

When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about being my favorite G.I. Joe, living in an underground hideout with my other favorite Joes, in Antarctica. We were theoretically on patrol, but there was never any action or drama—it … Continue reading

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Asking for help

I listened to Amanda Palmer’s TED talk a little while ago, about asking for help. Hers was in the context of music and asking fans to pay what they thought was fair for the album, more or less on the … Continue reading

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Ball rolling & the second playground fight

This post is as fractured as my daily existence, and I must confess is only cohesed by the micro-thread that is movement, inertia. One mostly involving an inanimate object, the other involving one or more overly-animate little brats. Let’s start … Continue reading

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The Clap heard ’round the kitchen

Bub and I were sitting at the kitchen table (actually, it’s the dining room table, but relocated for functionality to the kitchen—still a sore subject with my wife), finishing lunch the other day. HP eats much faster than Bub, and, … Continue reading

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Playgrounds

We were at the playground today, me inviting a hernia by attempting to push Bub and his playmate up and down on the seesaw, which quickly led to a mental diatribe in my mind about seesaws, then about playgrounds in … Continue reading

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Touch (Part II)

My wife and I are not very touchy-feely people. In fact, we would definitely fall within the spectrum of the under-affectionate, though we are trying. Especially with our kids. HP is making it easy right now. She also went wild … Continue reading

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Touch (Part I)

Note: So I was going to write this whole gooey thing about the joy of touch, and soft baby skin and all that. That shall henceforth be known as Touch (Part II). Because this stuff just happened, and it’s on … Continue reading

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Change

“Would you mind changing HP?” my wife says. Hmmm, interesting thought. No, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t mind changing her a bit. Not a complete overhaul, just a few details about her. Would not mind at all. … Continue reading

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The joy of cleaning

I say I feel like I should start this whole post with a massive disclaimer that as far as general cleanliness, we are not the whitest shirts in the closet, so to speak. You don’t have to look very hard … Continue reading

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Sick and sicker

If and when to take your child to the doctor is always a topic of debate for new parents. You don’t want to be too reactive and knee-jerky, but you don’t want to take any chances, either. So you’re often … Continue reading

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That time I breastfed my daughter

Despite what Ben Stiller said in Meet the Parents, it is not, in fact, possible to milk anything with nipples. Believe me, I’ve tried. But this is not a tale of medical miracles. Nor is it one involving one of … Continue reading

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Edited for content

I’ve never been a huge reader, but having kids has rekindled my love of the printed word, albeit, yes, the kind with pictures. And with dozens of library armfuls, a dazzling mastery of lifty-flap books, and approximately three-quarters of the … Continue reading

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Baby dialing

This post is aimed more at my fellow primary caregivers, SAHDs and SAHMs, whatever you like to call yourselves. I still haven’t figured out what I prefer. But it really applies to all of us parents, as you’ll see. It’s … Continue reading

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In defense of parents

We’ve all seen the darling at Target going full Chernobyl on his hapless parental unit(s). And we all stand there, looking at the parents like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR KID?! Discipline that little monster, you epic fail of a … Continue reading

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