With a few weeks of motherhood under my belt, I have had some time to reflect on life with a little one.
In celebration of making it thus far, I’ve come up with a list of 20 ways to know you’re a new momma. (In case the painful memory of childbirth has escaped you already and the baby lying in the crib a few feet away isn’t reminder enough.)
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A NEW MOTHER WHEN:
1. You bathe another human being more frequently than you bathe yourself.
2. You are wide awake at 2 a.m. … and sleeping at 2 p.m.
3. You would rather sleep than shop, eat chocolate, or win a million dollars.
4. You do at least one load of laundry every day—and none of the clothes are yours.
5. You check to make sure your little one is breathing with neurotic consistency (read: at least 2 dozen times a day).
6. You have supersonic hearing—what I like to call “bat ear”—that allows you to hear your baby’s softest whimper … even while standing under the shower.
7. Your new nickname for yourself is the “on-call cow.”
8. You wear nothing but robes and old t-shirts and your hair is always in disarray. (In other words, you are the crazy cat lady—sans cat.)
9. You know the schedule of every television program by heart. And, you’re tired of them all.
10. You try on your old jeans to see if maybe, just maybe, they’d fit. They only get halfway up your thigh. You cry. Your baby joins you.
11. You call or text your mother at least five times a day for advice. You wonder what you’d do without her, and hope your little one someday feels the same way about you.
12. Your definition of happiness is being able to put on deodorant and brush your teeth before lunch time.
13. You consider making it out the front door and into the “real world”—even if it’s just for a five-minute walk—a monumental achievement.
14. You drink enough water every day to make the Garden of Eden grow in the Sahara desert.
15. You spend more time “taking care of business” in the bathroom than actually necessary
to give yourself an extra few minutes off baby-duty to give your husband more daddy-baby bonding time.
17. You can leave home forgetting your earrings, makeup and wallet but never with less than three changes of clothes for your little one.
18. You take at least a dozen pictures of your baby every day in the same pose, with the same expression, but you can’t bear to delete any of them.
19. You swear to yourself at least once a day that you “can’t do this anymore.” Then, you take a deep breath and keep moving forward.
20. The highlight of your day is holding your little one—no matter how fussy he’s been all day.