And so it goes, all good things must come to an end. After documenting nearly 40 weeks of pregnancy, here’s a summary of my final weeks and a timeline of my baby’s big day:
Week 34: Day 6
- Bye, bye mucous plug. It’s been pretty gross.
- No dilation. No effacement.
- Excited anyway, only one more week I bet.
Week 35: Day 5
- Three centimeters dilated. 50 percent effaced.
- Doctor says she bets I don’t make it another week.
- Pack my bag.
Week 36: Day 5
- Three to four centimeters dilated. 50 percent effaced.
- Doctor says she’s surprised I made it.
- Optimistically says she doesn’t expect to see me again for my next appointment.
Week 37: Day 3
- Three to four centimeters dilated. 80 percent effaced.
- Doctor and I have a brief conversation about how she was wrong because, still pregnant.
Week 38: Day 3
- Four centimeters dilated. 80 percent effaced. Still.
- Membrane sweep is done.
- Natural induction exploration begins.
- Bye, bye mucous plug, again. Still gross.
- Membrane sweep proves pointless.
- Natural induction methods all fail with the same ease as I did in college chemistry. Note: refused to try castor oil for fear of both diarrhea and labor. Not a life experience I care to become familiar with.
- Pelvic Pressure increases. I turn to Google to see if any humans have ever given birth to elephants.
- Regret turning to Google. Vow to never turn to Google again.
Week 39: Day 3
- Four to Five centimeters dilated 80 percent effaced.
- Doctor says she could stretch me to a five if she wanted.
- Doctor Does not stretch to me to a five.
- Doctor says bag of waters is so low and just sitting there and it’s tempting to just break it.
- Doctor does not break the bag of waters despite me saying that I wouldn’t tell anyone if she did.
- Doctor does membrane sweep instead.
- Bye, bye mucous plug, again. Still gross.
- Give up hope on all natural induction methods and membrane sweep. Sulk in chocolate and eggnog Note: I don’t make the rules on pregnancy cravings and flavor matching.
- Pelvic pressure is so intense I waddle with record breaking lengths.
- Can’t feel my bladder.
Week 40: Day 1 : Baby’s Official Due Date
- 5:45 a.m. – Husband and I get up and get ready to go to the hospital for scheduled induction.
- 6:00 a.m. – We leave for the hospital, I complain about how uncomfortable his truck is to ride in at this point in pregnancy.
- 6:15 a.m. – Husband and I arrive at hospital.
- 7:00 a.m. – I tell Husband to get a snack while I get ready. Joke about hospital gown styles.
- 7:15 a.m. – Husband comes back with S’mores flavored hot cocoa, he’s excited.
- 8:00 a.m. – Discover I dilated to six centimeters somewhere between my house, Walmart, and the hospital. Praise uncomfortable truck for a job well done.
- 8:00 a.m. – Doctor decides no Pitocen is needed as I am evidently in labor. With no pain. Joke about no pain.
- 9:15 a.m. – Doctor breaks water.
- 9:30 a.m. – First painful contraction hits.
- 9:35 a.m. – Second one hits.
- 9:40 a.m. – You get the general idea here.
- 9:45 a.m. – Everything stops being funny.
- 10:00 a.m. – Still not funny.
- 10:15 a.m. – Get fentanyl because why not? Joke around about how Starbucks should add this to their flavor list.
- 10:17 a.m. – Sure, it all still hurts but I just don’t care.
- 10:20 a.m. – Fentanyl wears off.
- 10:21 a.m. – I start to care again.
- 10:22 a.m. – Everything stops being funny.
- 10:30 a.m. – Decide to get a spinal. Hasn’t it been a painful enough few weeks?
- 10:45 a.m. – Spinal administered. I joke about spinals.
- 10:47 a.m. – I excuse husband downstairs to get himself some breakfast.
- 11:00 a.m. – I nap because it feels soooooo warm and cooozy and I haven’t felt this good since I was 25.
- 11:45 a.m. – Dilated to 10 and start to push. Freak out over seeing my legs, but not being able to feel them.
- 11:45 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Pushing.
- 12:00 p.m. – Doctor comes back in.
- 12:05 a.m. – Push. Hold for 10 seconds. Do this three times. Get oxygen after each set, puke, repeat.
- 12:10 p.m. – Baby’s shoulder gets stuck on the way out.
- 12:11 P.m. – Things get a little crazy and a little scary.
- 12:15 p.m. – Still pushing. Holding for 10 seconds. Getting oxygen after each set, puking, repeat.
- 12:20 p.m. – Baby is out.
Weighing in at 9 pounds 7 ounces and 22 inches long is this “little” guy. The biggest baby blessing of our family. Figuratively and literally.
And yes, I did get my chocolate cake.
This post originally appeared on Christina’s personal blog The Mediocre Housewife.