These days I seem to be a big hot mess. Literally. BIG, HOT, MESS. I think that I appear as if I have it all together to those that see me daily at work and outside of our apartment—but let me tell you—any excuse to let loose some tears lately seems to be right up my alley. Even just now putting our newborn prefold diapers into a pot of boiling water to begin prepping them—I end up sniffly and weepy.
I do my best to chalk it up to the pregnancy. Hormones, stress, my seemingly un-ending TO DO list, the fact that I really should get our taxes done soon, and of course the impending huge life change of motherhood that I’m so very excited about and at the same time makes me nervous, scared, overwhelmed … But I’ll tell you it comes in waves. I don’t always feel like this. A lot of the time I feel super confident. I have faith that the labor will be hard but that I can handle it. I feel like we are going to be great parents. And I believe that it’s all going to be ok. And then, it’s in moments that I’m not anticipating, when I least expect it, I get this overwhelming feeling of THIS IS REALLY HAPENNING—and everything that that statement represents.
I really have no way of knowing exactly how our lives are going to change. Over the last week Chad has been training a lovely puppeteer to take over my tracks in our shows for the next few months. She has been doing a great job memorizing and learning the shows. Soon I’ll be training someone at my day-job to manage The Foundation while I’m gone. All these things that months ago seemed so far off, are now happening. I’m looking over and filling out my disability paperwork and the reality seeps in slowly more and more each day.
And so, as I continue to do small things to prepare, I also seem to have more and more small breakdowns. They don’t last long, but they do catch me by surprise. One minute I’m happily browsing through Etsy trying to decide what flannel wipes I’d like to buy and the next I’m crying to my husband asking him to please have an opinion about whether decals in a baby’s room are overpriced and overrated. And listen folks, I promise you, I was NOT like this about our wedding, honeymoon, moving to NYC or any other major life event we’ve been through. In fact I’ve done my best to try to be really chill and relaxed over the last few months. I was blessed with a very easy first and second trimester, and it seems that everything is really starting to catch up with me now. Even putting on my shoes feels a bit like a Herculean task. A little over one month to go… hopefully my teary phase will pass soon.