Babies cry and scream with varying intensity. Some cries are soft and drawn out. Others are sharp, bouncy and chirp-like. I can describe baby noises for days, but unfortunately, I have difficulty conveying the intensity of the baby’s feelings. I know how to tell my wife that the baby is angry, but I have trouble explaining just how intense he is. Because of this, I have decided to measure the intensity of fits by creating a hierarchy of intense Hollywood action stars, and associating baby noises with specific actors. Here they are, in order, from least intense to most intense.
The Sylvester Stallone: Every time your baby cries like this, you try your best to respect how serious she is. Unfortunately, it becomes increasingly difficult to understand what she’s trying to say, and you cannot help but laugh in her puffy little face.
The Steven Seagal: Your baby makes faces that make him appear racially ambiguous, and all you can discern is that this baby is serious. Where is he from? I don’t know, but he is very serious.
The Jackie Chan: This cry involves a great deal of theatrics, and can be quite entertaining to watch. After a few minutes, you want your baby to start doing something new.
The Mark Wahlberg: In response to this cry, people think, “Wow, that baby has such a pretty face. Why do I get the impression he wants to murder me? Ah, who cares. What a pretty face!”
The Jason Statham (pictured):
Dad: Is it me, or does that baby have an accent?
Mom: You’re right. What country is that from?
Dad: Not sure. Somewhere really intense.
The Bruce Willis You know this scream. You are tired of this scream. But you respect this scream.
The Liam Neeson: This scream becomes more intense as time passes. It starts off slow, steady, and distinguished. Then, in an instant, you are thinking “holy sh#* did he just punch a wolf in the face?!” Yes, he probably did. He is that intense.
The Nicolas Cage: While you were reading this post, Nicolas Cage made three movies. He explodes in four of them. Boom. When your baby starts Nicolas Caging all over the place, be brave.