Greetings. I’d like to take this opportunity to formally introduce myself. I am your mother. Well, not so much your mother as I am mother to the mouth in which you are now making an appearance. Let me be the first to welcome you—another milestone in my baby’s first year! I am sure there will be many fun days ahead of us! I look forward to watching you chew your first chewy food, brushing you, and then later paying for braces to straighten you. (I guess that won’t be you so much as your replacement.) However, at this point in time, I’d like to share with you my feelings regarding your arrival. I hope you won’t take offense.
I don’t like you.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “What have I done to offend this wonderful woman?” So let me be clear:
LIST OF TOOTH GRIEVANCES:
1. You have kept my son and me up most nights over the past two weeks.
2. You have caused him much discomfort and moments of (what seems like) true pain.
3. You have given him a runny nose and a low-grade fever.
4. You are disfiguring his cute, tiny, toothless Baby Smile forever.
I am working through forgiving you for all these grievances, but issue number four is giving me pause. I understand The Baby is growing up, but just between you and me, I thought I’d be able to enjoy his sweet, toothless grin for a little while longer. I was under the impression that it might be a couple more months at least, and now that you are here (a little early in my opinion), I find I am ill prepared for your arrival. You are turning my baby into a little kid, and I’m not sure I’m okay with that—yet.
So, I’m asking you for a favor. If you could see it in your enamel to tell your little buddies to hold off making their grand appearance for just a little while that would help me immensely. Let me please enjoy this little baby for just a little while longer—while he is still a little baby. Please let me enjoy his heart-stopping Baby Smile for as long as I can. Soon enough, the two of you will be bonding over apples, and carrots, and the leg on the chair in the living room that he seems to love. If you could do me this favor, I will try my best to keep him away from taffy until he is 32 years old.
Thank you for your attention, and best of luck to you and yours.
Your Mouth’s Mother