Ready-made smart responses to the questions you hate being asked.
Q: Are you supposed to eat that?
A: Oh yes, it’s completely fine. My doctor gave me explicit permission. He’s also my jujitsu instructor. I have a black belt, you know (menacingly) … and a really short fuse.
Q: Trying for a girl/boy, huh?
A: No, my husband and I just really enjoy our time in the bedroom! You know what I’m saying? Bow chicka wow wow! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge! (This response works best with close relatives.)
Q: You know what causes that, right? Hardy har har!
A: Actually, I do. You see, I last had my period on April 12, so my husband and I waited the prerequisite number of days and then engaged in sexual intercourse. His sperm traveled rapidly through my cervix and met the waiting ovum that had been expelled from my fallopian tubes; they joined together, forming a zygote. From there, this zygote … (Continue on until inquirer falls asleep, walks away, or dies from boredom.)
Q: Wow, could you be any bigger?
alternate A: (left upper cut)
Q: Are you sure there’s only one baby in there?
A: (shrieking in panic) There’s a BABY in there?
Q: Were you trying to get pregnant?
A: Oh wow, for a second there I thought you asked me something really personal and intrusive. Gotta get the ol’ ears
Q: Is your doctor concerned about how much weight you’ve gained?
A: Is your therapist concerned about your need to inflict mental anguish on innocent pregnant women?
Q: Still haven’t had that baby yet?
A: (Just start crying. You probably won’t have to fake this one.)
And the unfortunate question that can come after you’ve had the baby …
Q: You’re pregnant? When are you due?
A: Next week! I know! Can you believe it? My doctor says I have the most amazing full-term pregnant body she’s ever laid eyes on. What can I say? I guess I’m just awesome.